It’s an important duty and obligation of parents to discuss difficult subjects with children at various stages in their child-adulthood transition: Aruna Raghuram

The tone is awkward and uneasy. You are at a loss for words, the atmosphere is tense. Your child is staring at you, waiting expectantly for your response. This is often the prelude of a difficult parent-child discussion.

However, it’s an important duty and obligation of parents to discuss difficult subjects with children at various stages in their child-adulthood transition. Some subjects are awkward because they are complex and embarrassing for parents to talk about. Or, because they are difficult for children to understand. Or both. But some tough topics need to be discussed because children need authentic, age-appropriate information from trusted adults, and more important, the knowledge, capabilities and skills to protect themselves. Such knowledge also builds children’s critical thinking and problem-solving skills.

Here are some difficult but important subjects parents need to discuss with children.

Child sex abuse
This is a sensitive but critical subject to address for parents. According to National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) 2020 data, 28.9 percent of children in India have experienced a sexual crime of some type. Psychologists advise parents to start early and educate preschool children about safe and unsafe touch. “Teach children the correct names of all body parts including genitals. This is important for children to be able to communicate clearly to parents if they’ve been touched inappropriately or abused. If parents use alternate names for genital organs children begun to suspect that there is something taboo about those parts of the human body. Start with explaining the difference between safe and unsafe touch to young children and move on to discuss puberty, importance of consent, and cyber safety as children enter adolescence,” says Richa Agarwal, a Delhi-based clinical psychologist and advisor to Parentune, a for-profit social advisory on parenting issues.

Sex and sexuality
Children aged four-five years are most curious about from where babies emanate. Or why the genitals of girls and boys differ. Parents need to prepare to answer these questions in age-appropriate language.

Aarthi Prabhakaran, co-author of Imperfect Parenting: Honest Stories from Global Parents (2023) and mother of two, offers her experience: “We were living in France and my daughter was eight years old when she asked me: ‘How was I born?’. Taken aback, my immediate reaction was less than ideal. I replied that children are born after marriage. It was after this brief conversation that I received an email from my daughter’s class teacher that she was expecting a child with her live-in partner. Therefore I decided to reopen this conversation with my daughter. Meanwhile, my daughter had done some reading in the school library on the subject. I found out what she knew and supplemented it with factual, age-appropriate information. On the other hand, when we had to talk about puberty to my son, I found it better to leave it to my husband to discuss this subject. I thought my son would be more comfortable discussing the subject with his father,” she recalls.

Richa Agarwal advises parents to sit pre-teens down to discuss puberty and the tsunami of physical and emotional changes it brings.

“The internet has an overload of information about puberty. But you can’t always trust online sources. It is better parents provide children accurate information on sex and sexuality and guide them about norms of interacting with the opposite sex. For instance, if your teen daughter tells you: ‘Mama, I went to a restaurant with friends and this man was staring at me. He was handsome and smart.’ You should explain to your daughter that it is natural to get attracted to a handsome individual, but it is generally not safe to interact with strangers either in person or online,” she explains.

Separation and divorce
For children, separation and divorce of parents is a traumatic experience. While parents going through divorce spend most of their time sorting out their own feelings of hurt, rejection and bitterness, children who witness arguments and recrimination suffer their own roller coaster of emotions. Children invariably suffer anxiety and insecurity when parents split.

Therefore it’s important that children are explained the causes for divorce without assigning blame to either parent and detailing traumatic experiences. “First, the social stigma attached to separation and divorce should be minimised for children by reassuring them that the new situation will be better. It is also necessary for children to be given a reason suitably phrased for their age, for the divorce. A palatable explanation could be that separation and divorce is necessary to preserve the mental health and peace of parents who are unable to live together in harmony,” says Purnima Gupta, an Ahmedabad-based psychotherapist and academic.

Substance abuse
According to 2022 data from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC), 13 percent of individuals involved in drug and substance abuse in India are below 20 years of age. Parents have a duty to protect children, especially adolescents, from drug use by detailing the facts/dangers of substance abuse. This will make them less likely to experiment with narcotic drugs or rely on friends for answers. Whether from new friends or strangers, teens will encounter peer pressure during their middle or high school years to experiment with drugs. Therefore, include guidelines and strategies to resist peer pressure in the discussion.

Moreover, parenting experts advise parents to take advantage of ‘teachable moments’. For instance, if you see a character in a movie or on TV with a cigarette, talk about smoking and the harm it does to a person’s body. This can lead to a full-fledged discussion about narcotic drugs and their dangerous impact on physical and mental well-being of growing children.

Parental illness/ death
Parental illness is a anguishing subject for children to discuss, says Purnima Gupta. “When a parent falls gravely ill, the child is anxious and fearful. Various questions play in her mind. ‘Who will take care of me if my parent dies?’ ‘Who will be my confidante?’ It is important to disclose the facts of an illness, and refrain from giving false assurances. In case an ailment proves fatal, the survivor parent needs to reassure the child that she will be well looked after and more importantly loved and cherished,” says Gupta.

Death is another difficult but necessary subject to discuss. “Many parents avoid talking about death. But by not doing so we are sowing the seeds of death anxiety in children. Often young children are told that a person who died has become a star or has been called to be with God. It’s better to tell children the truth that every living being dies or changes forms. Use examples of plants or animals — this is a good way to introduce the topic, gradually preparing them for death and loss,” adds Gupta.

Mental health
Mental health is a sensitive subject to broach with children specially adolescents because of the social stigma associated with it. “In my practice I have observed that very often adolescents want to consult a counsellor while parents are reluctant to seek professional help because of fear of social stigma. Parents have an obligation to discuss mental health and well-being with their children and encourage them to report mental health problems,” says Agarwal.

Money
It is not easy to explain the concept and significance of being wise with money to children, but it’s important to make a beginning. Talk money with children explaining basic concepts such as income, expenditure, budgeting, and saving — the foundational concepts of financial literacy. (see ‘Financial literacy primer for teens’, PW August).

Guidelines to ease difficult conversations

Here are some guidelines to help parents plan difficult conversations:

• Select a comfortable spot at home and a stress-free time to discuss the subject.
• Research the internet/books and prepare a list of probable questions your child is likely to ask and their age-appropriate answers.
• During the discussion, be non-judgemental so she is comfortable asking supplementary questions.
• Listen to your child and pick up verbal and non-verbal cues.
• Don’t laugh or make light of any questions she asks.
• Keep your cool. Don’t be overly embarrassed or serious about the subject of discussion. Be straightforward and candid.
• Be clear and brief. Don’t go into a long explanation. Answer in simple, non-complicated language.
• Be honest. If you don’t know the answers to all her questions, ask for some time to respond with accurate information.
• Check with her if she wants or needs to know more.
• Some topics such as divorce, illness or death may be distressing for your child. Show sensitivity by pausing and providing emotional support/reassurance/physical comfort during the conversation.