Ensuring boys don’t transform into brutes

Even as crimes against girls and women are rising, galloping internet connectivity and adolescents becoming addicted to social media have unleashed a new wave of patriarchy and misogyny against women worldwide. Against this backdrop, it’s become very important for parents to inculcate gender egalitarian attitudes in male children from earliest age – Kiran Balimane & Cynthia John. 

Gender equality is a major precept of the Constitution of India whose platinum jubilee (75th anniversary) was recently celebrated with great pomp and ceremony. And rightly so because with Mahatma Gandhi’s encouragement and under his leadership, women discharged a major even if insufficiently publicized, role in wresting India’s independence after almost two centuries of imperial rule.

Yet even as hyper-nationalists across the political spectrum and subscribing to all ideologies proclaim India’s progress and its emergence as the fourth largest economy worldwide, women constitute only 9-14 percent of the membership of Parliament and state legislative assemblies; a mere 27 percent of directors in corporate India are women, and women constitute a mere 6 percent of the officer corps in the defence services. On a wider canvas, in terms of female participation in labour force (FPLF), India’s 41.7 percent is below the global average of 48 percent and way below China (63 percent) and Vietnam (69 percent).

The World Bank has estimated that if women’s participation in the workforce were to reach 50 percent, India could boost its annual GDP growth by 1.5 percentage points. Christine Lagarde, former IMF managing director, says that India’s GDP would be nearly 30 percent larger if the participation of women were to match that of men.

One explanation for 21st century India’s abysmal FPLF ratio is the poor record of state governments, with their ill-trained keystone cops and time-agnostic judicial system unable to provide sufficient security to women in workplaces and rickety public transport systems. Or the judiciary to deter male criminals through swift dispensation of deterrent justice.

As a result, crimes against women citizens are rising. According to latest data from the National Crimes Record Bureau (NCRB), crimes against women increased (calculated as crimes per 100,000 of the female population) from 58.8 in 2018 to 66.4 in 2022, an increase of 12.9 percent. And given the reality that a huge number of crimes against women are not reported or not registered by India’s notorious police personnel, the unofficial estimate of crimes against women nationwide is well over 100.

Worse, given sustained neglect of public early years and primary education, patriarchal attitudes and misogyny are on the rise as sadhus, seers and maulanas steeped in patriarchy are winning friends and influence in all political parties and formations. Little wonder that in the World Economic Forum’s Gender Gap Report 2024, India is ranked #129 of 146 countries assessed, 18th from bottom.

Unfortunately instead of brightening, women’s horizons are darkening with galloping internet connectivity and rising addiction of youth countrywide to social media. These phenomena have generated a new wave of patriarchy and misogyny as graphically depicted in the recently released Netflix mini-series Adolescence, which has become a subject of much discussion and debate in the drawing rooms of middle-class Indians and teachers’ common rooms of the country’s top-ranked private schools.

Adolescence has become a global blockbuster for capturing the zeitgeist of the social media age. Its portrayal of addictive social media and ‘insta’(gram) culture, adolescent peer pressure, and cyberbullying has struck a deep chord within parents, educators and teenage children worldwide. Specifically, its exposé of ‘incel culture’ — “a mostly online subculture of male heterosexual people who define themselves as unable to find a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one, and who may blame, objectify and denigrate women and girls as a result” (Wikipedia) — and ‘manosphere’ has reignited conversations about misogyny and regressive attitudes towards girl children and women. It tells the tragic story of a 13-year-old British schoolboy, who out of confused rage and misogyny, murders a girl classmate.

According to a 2021 Unesco report on online gender-based violence, 38 percent of teenage children in India are accessing misogynistic content, often disguised as humour or “alpha male” advice on social media platforms. An earlier (2019) study by the International Center for Research on Women (ICRW) found that 52 percent of young men in Delhi and Mumbai endorse rigid gender stereotyping with many citing online content as driving influence.

Pratik Motikar

With the digital deluge amplifying traditional patriarchal norms and creating a toxic online ‘manosphere’ culture normalising aggression towards women, it’s become more important than ever for parents to raise male children the ‘right’ way and nurture gender egalitarian attitudes from youngest age. “By raising important questions about teenage children’s online lives and conversations, Adolescence has done a brilliant job of awakening parents to the culture of manosphere that’s spreading online. The internet and social media are fuelling deeply ingrained patriarchy and hyper masculinity. Parents need to become aware of this new threat to girl children and double their efforts to practise gender equality at home and teach male children to respect girl children from youngest age,” says Pratik Motikar, clinical psychologist at Azim Premji University, Bengaluru.

In the pages following, we present guidelines from three experts — a clinical psychologist, parenting coach and career counsellor — on ways and means for parents to raise male children who practice gender sensitivity, empathy, and learn to respect girl children and women.

Raising boys right : 10 point primer
Clinical psychologist Pratik Motikar, an alumnus of Christ and ICFAI universities, shares 10 pointers for parents to raise empathetic boys who respect girl children.

1. Challenge the “boys will be boys” mentality in early years. During conversations at home, challenge patriarchal beliefs and elders’ opinions about nurturing male children. Refuse to excuse aggression, disrespect, or lack of emotional control towards girl children as normal boyhood behaviour. Chastise male children for gender bias and disrespect. Teach sons that strong males exercise self-control, and stand up for what’s right.
2. Normalise emotional expression. Tears aren’t gendered. From young age, boys should be taught that expressing grief, fear, and love is natural and human. When boys are punished or shamed for displaying emotions, they suppress them, leading to anger and emotional outbursts. Worse, they become susceptible to substance abuse and addiction.
3. Teach rules of consent. Long before they become interested in girl children, boys need to understand body autonomy, boundaries, and consent. Not forcing hugs, asking permission before touching, and respecting ‘rejection’ should be learned in early years. By normalising such values early, parents teach boys that “consent isn’t just about sex; it’s about respect”.
4. Monitor online activity. With online incel culture exerting growing influence on adolescent boys, parents need to tread a fine line between monitoring children’s online activity and being intrusive. Avoid policing or shaming your son’s online behaviour. Instead, encourage open communication. Ask: “What do you like about that YouTuber influencer?” or “How did that video make you feel?” Understanding why he’s drawn to certain messages helps you redirect him towards positive role models. Red flags are online content that promotes dominance of women, anti-feminist rants, and ‘alpha male’ hierarchies.
5. Expose boys to strong, compassionate male role models. Representation matters. Point them towards media, literature, and friendships that eulogise diverse, emotionally intelligent, and respectful men. This counters the one-dimensional stereotypes of masculinity that male children usually witness online and in pop culture.
6. Talk about power and privilege. Educate children about how gender, race, class, and sexual attitudes shape experiences and society. This will help them recognise that fairness means more than shallow gender equality. Ask them to imagine what it would feel like to be dismissed or stereotyped. This generates male empathy for women who suffer discrimination and denial of their rights.
7. Encourage friendships based on care, not competition. Boys are often advised to bond with peers through competition rather than emotional connect. Encourage male children to talk about emotions, mutual support and constructive conflict resolution. If your son has trouble expressing feelings with friends, try books or movies that stimulate such conversations.
8. Call out misogyny. Don’t shame, educate. If your son says something sexist or derogatory, remain calm. Use it as a teaching moment. Ask: “Where did you hear that?” or “What do you think that says about women?” Helping him analyse misogynistic messages critically is more effective than scolding and moralising.
9. Model gender equality at home. Children watch more than they listen. Share domestic responsibilities equally, respect your spouse/partner’s opinions, and be careful about enforcing traditional gender roles. Providing equal opportunities for male and girl children and modelling spousal egalitarianism and respect are prerequisites of gender equality education. If your home models mutual respect and shared leadership, your son will internalise those values.
10. Create a safe space for hard conversations. There may be times when your son experiments with problematic ideas or withdraws emotionally. That’s normal. Remain grounded. Let him know you are always accessible even when he’s confused, angry, or ashamed.

Rajat Soni

Encouraging emotional expression
Rajat Soni, a Delhi-based youth and parenting coach, and author of Unjudge your Teenager (2020), recounts the case of a father worried about his 13-year-old son being too emotionally expressive. “In his mind, this meant something was wrong. That his son wasn’t masculine enough. In too many urban Indian homes, boys are raised to become strong, emotionless individuals who can endure pain. The moment a male child cries or admits he is anxious, he’s dismissed as too soft, girlish, or not strong enough to carry family traditions forward,” says Soni.

Referring to Adolescence, Soni says that Jamie’s exposure to toxic online masculinity, where vulnerability is mocked, and control over others (especially girls) is glorified, is an important lesson. “Jamie absorbs these values without challenge, because no one at home ever discussed gender equality or encouraged him to express his emotions. This suppression of emotions led to frustration and loneliness that drew him to toxic masculinity which is routine online. Boys are often scorned if they are emotional. Such conditioning teaches boys to bottle up emotions and transform into alpha males. While there’s a slow shift in parental mindsets, many still reprimand and restrict male children from expressing emotion,” says Soni.

Soni shares some pointers for parents to teach and encourage male children to express their emotions and sentiments:

• Create a home environment where discussing inner feelings is normalised. Encourage boys to share their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgement.
• Model vulnerability. Share your own struggles and emotions to demonstrate that it’s alright to express vulnerability and solicit help when needed.
• Educate boys about the different facets of masculinity. Explain that being strong doesn’t mean suppressing emotions and that real strength comes from authenticity and emotional awareness.
• Equip male children with emotional vocabulary. This makes it easier for them to articulate their sentiments and reduce the likelihood of bottling up emotions.
• Encourage empathy by engaging in activities that promote understanding others’ feelings. This could involve discussing characters in books or movies and relating their emotions to real-life situations.

PROSCRIBE GENDER STEREOTYPING
In the overwhelming majority of India’s 210 million households — including middle class homes — gender stereotyping begins from early childhood. From the colour of nurseries, choice of toys and games, and standard behavioural norms, most parents raise male and girl children differently.

Christabel Daniel

For instance, it’s routine in middle class households to gift girl children kitchen sets while male children are given science kits. Such stereotyping by parents and society is a continuum for girl children through their lives. A 2017 survey conducted by the Mumbai-based Podar Education Network and Early Childhood Association (ECA) of India found deep gender biases in toys selection. In 50 toy stores visited in Mumbai, ECA surveyors found that 87 percent of retail stores grouped toys by gender. Moreover, around 70 percent of parents interviewed rejected the idea of buying kitchen sets for male children and Lego sets for daughters with 90 percent mothers disparaging a suggestion to purchase teddy bears for male children.

Such gender stereotyping persists in the education continuum. Girl children are discouraged from opting for engineering and corporate careers. Similarly, male children are discouraged from pursuing ‘soft’ careers such as fine and culinary arts. According to Shirley Christabel Daniel, a Bengaluru-based psychologist and founder-director of Shiloah Therapy and Learning Centre, parents tend to steer their sons towards traditionally ‘strong’ and ‘successful’ careers such as STEM, medicine, and finance while dissuading them from selecting teaching, nursing, social work, and artistic career pathways. “During career path discussions, parents say, ‘That’s great, but will it pay the bills?’ or ‘What’s the long-term plan?’ This type of messaging shapes the male child’s self-esteem and career choice. Parents need to challenge such stereotyping and acquaint male children with diverse role models across all fields, including male achievers in non-traditional professions and vocations in the interest of guiding them into aptitudinally suitable careers,” advises Daniel.

Are you reinforcing gender stereotypes at home?

Every Indian home is different. Examine your own family’s gender attitudes by reflecting upon the following questions.

• Are the rules set and boundaries drawn for boys and girl children egalitarian? For instance, which places are out of bounds, what time they should return home? Dress codes?
• Are unequal restrictions imposed on girl children?
• Are girl children free to choose sports activities such as swimming, dance, etc?
• Do male children/men share household chores with girls/women?
• If the household help is absent, are boys/men exempt from chores such as cleaning/washing?
• Who makes the big decisions at home regarding finance and family matters?
• Is the girl child compelled to restrict her career choices?
• As parents, do you spend equal time for educating sons and daughters?
• How much importance do you accord to preparing girl children for marriage? Does this apply to male children as well?
• Do any members of the family/extended family directly or indirectly express preference for male children?

There aren’t correct or wrong answers to these questions. Responses will vary depending on local contexts. Nevertheless all parents should reflect upon and discuss them at home.