Although there’s an urgent need to liberalise and rationalise child adoption rules and regulations, with an increasing number of enlightened couples braving the long, arduous and expensive process of child adoption, the focus of this feature is to prepare couples to successfully nurture adopted children after they have received official approval, writes Aruna Raghuram, Cynthia John & Summiya Yasmeen
Through the centuries, Indian society has had a pragmatic attitude towards adoption and nurturance of adopted children. In Vedavyasa’s ancient mythological magnum opus Mahabharata which planted the seeds of Hindu dharma and philosophy, Karna, the only warrior in the Kaurava army regarded as a worthy equal to the mighty Arjuna of the rival Pandavas, was an adopted child. Similarly, Indian mythology and folklore is replete with stories of adopted children who were more loving and caring of their parents than natural progeny.
Indeed in the 16-18th centuries in the Maratha kingdoms of Western and Central India founded by Chhattrapati Shivaji (1630-1680), widely regarded as India’s first successful revolutionary against foreign rule, it was quite common for adopted children to succeed kings and rajas, often in preference to dissolute natural-born offspring. In Indian society down to the present day, while there are many who believe that genes determine character — especially in industry and business — there is also strong sentiment that nurture rather than nature shapes the character and personalities of children. There is rising belief that given love and affection, adopted children can rise to highest positions in business, industry and society.
In other societies around the world as well, there are numerous examples of adopted children who have not only grown into loving sons and daughters, but have reached pinnacles of success in their chosen careers and vocations. For instance, it’s not very well-known that Steve Jobs, the visionary Syria-born founder of Apple Inc, USA, currently the world’s most valuable company measured by market capitalisation ($2.77 trillion), was adopted and lovingly nurtured by an American couple. Ditto US President Bill Clinton and iconic movie star Marilyn Monroe. Likewise, Indian superstar of the 1970-1990-era Rajesh Khanna.
Moreover, with increasing female participation in the labour force (FPLF) around the world and women deferring childbirth to later years as they build careers in industry and business, women’s child-bearing capability is continuously declining due to workplace and domestic stress. As a result, in several industrially developed countries, most notably in Japan, birth rates have fallen below replacement level. Therefore, it’s becoming quite common for married couples in European countries with low birth rates — though not in rapidly-ageing Japan — to adopt orphaned and unwanted children from economically under-developed countries in Asia and Africa.
Against this Indian and global backdrop, it would be logical to assume given its young demographic profile — 500 million Indian citizens are aged below 24 years of age — this country would be a huge catchment area for people around the world to adopt Indian infants and children. However for fear of adopted children being used as domestic child labour and especially being sexually abused and/or trafficked into the country’s flourishing sex trade, rules and regulations governing the adoption of children are very stringent for Indian couples, and more so for foreigners.
Nevertheless, following rapid expansion of the middle class after liberalisation and deregulation of the Indian economy in 1991, and with a rising number of well-educated women delaying marriage and children — and increasingly unwilling to bear children at all — within the educated middle and upper middle classes, adoption (and surrogacy) is becoming fashionable and common.
According to latest (February) data of the Union ministry of women and child development, its Central Adoption Resources Authority (CARA) has over 29,000 prospective parents registered with it cf. a mere 5,000 a decade ago. Against this, only 2,317 children are legally available for adoption. Exaggerated caution, arduous, arbitrary and archaic vetting rules and regulations for couples wanting to adopt, are denying millions of abandoned, runaway and orphaned children housed in ill-equipped, government managed juvenile homes and detention centres, safe loving homes and upward social mobility. Even though there’s no shortage of evidence indicating widespread use of child labour in homes, micro industrial units and the informal economy.
But although there’s urgent need to liberalise and rationalise child adoption rules and regulations, with an increasing number of enlightened couples braving the long, arduous and expensive process of child adoption, the focus of this feature is to prepare couples to successfully nurture adopted children after they have received official approval.
According to parenting experts and counselors, parenting an adopted child is a special experience that requires careful planning and preparation. “While the basic tenets of parenting are constant, parenting an adopted child brings its own set of challenges. Understanding the special needs of a child in an adoptive family environment is important. I believe one of the most sacrificial acts of love adoptive parents can make is to give up their preconceptions and agendas about what their child’s views “should” be and be open to hearing the conflicting emotions and thoughts their child often experiences,” says Sherrie Eldridge, a Indiana (USA)-based author, motivational speaker and an adopted child herself.
One of the first challenges adoptive parents face is whether to tell their child that she is adopted and what’s the best age and process of transmitting this information. Child psychologists are almost unanimous that adopted children must be told the truth about their adopted status as early as the child can understand — ideally between ages five-seven. “It’s important to tell your child that she is adopted as early as she can understand it. But this information has to be age-appropriate and conveyed sensitively. The objective is to normalise the process of adoption and enable her to look at it positively. Younger children are likely to better accept the truth than teenagers who might revolt and respond aggressively. Learning about their adopted status from third parties is very traumatic for children, especially teenagers,” says Dr. Meghna Singhal, a Bengaluru-based clinical psychologist and internationally certified parenting coach.
However, telling your child that she’s been adopted can cause confusion, anxiety and stress, and trigger an identity crisis. The first question adoptive parents must be prepared to field is about birth parents and why they chose to gave them away, warns Dr. Singhal. Moreover, as adopted children progress into middle and adolescent years, questions about their identity are likely to become more pressing. “Every adopted child has a unique history of how she came into her family. Questions about biological parents, siblings and the back story of their adoption are normative. While for adopted children, genetics often hold a particularly special place, it can be painful for adoptive parents. But they need to be prepared for this inevitability, answer all questions with clarity rather than prevent them from discovering their antecedents and history. Simultaneously, parents need to assure adopted children of unconditional love and support. With the passage of time, children will become secure and loved in their adoptive families and cope with fears of abandonment,” says Singhal.
Unsurprisingly, most couples who choose to adopt prefer infants below two-three years because youngest children have shorter memories and are quick to adjust and grow into their adoptive home environments. But paediatricians and child counselors warn that the early childhood years impose greater duties of care and nurturance upon parents.
Bengaluru-based paediatrician Dr. N.V.S. Krishnan, who has done pro bono work for an adoption agency for over 30 years, advises adoptive parents to prepare themselves for these duties. “When infants are adopted, a major issue adoptive parents face is substituting breastfeeding with other dietary options. Though as paediatricians, we check all the necessary parameters of a child before adoption — height, weight, hearing, eyesight, and developmental milestones — there could be undetected health issues which may manifest later. My advice to parents is to bear in mind that whatever happens in the future could happen to biological children as well,” says Dr. Krishnan.
According to Krishnan, to smooth the integration process it’s important for adoptive parents to learn about the child’s routine and preferences from previous caregivers — what toys she likes, what soothes her, favourite foods, etc. “But don’t go overboard with material things. Focus on spending maximum time with your child. Effective communication, free play and physical demonstrations of affection are important in the early stages. Usually within six to seven months, children adjust to their new adoptive home environments,” he says.
Shivani Sharma, a preschool teacher in Bengaluru, who adopted her daughter, now ten, when she was a year old, concurs that though caring for infants is more demanding, the outcome is worth the effort. “We were lucky to be able to adopt a toddler. Though I had to take a break from my work to take care of her, that was a good decision. Young children are very flexible and with love and empathy can be nurtured to fit into the adoptive home environment,” says Sharma, who by “a miracle” two years ago became pregnant after 17 years of marriage. “After my son was born, my daughter’s behaviour changed completely. She has become insecure, disobedient and disinterested in her studies. We are addressing this issue by involving her in caring for her little brother and reassuring her of our unconditional love. Though she doesn’t say it, I feel she has become insecure about her being an adopted child and losing our affection,” says Sharma.
Sharma’s predicament is not unusual. Parents with biological children who adopt are perceived by society and sometimes even their adopted children, as favouring biological offspring. Scientists have long speculated that evolutionary logic prejudices parents in favour of biological children. “Kin Selection Theory predicts that parents will necessarily entertain unfavourable perceptions of the intellect, personality, and behavioural traits of adopted kids, compared with biological children,” says a blog on creatingafamily.org. However, the writer goes on to quote a study that debunks this premise. “In general, the study found that parents did not favour biological children over adopted children.” Nevertheless, counselors advice parents to prepare biological children for arrival of adopted siblings and vice versa.
In particular, child psychologists advise parents adopting older children to invest time and effort in studying their history and background. In some cases, such children have witnessed domestic/street violence and/or other trauma. These Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) profoundly affect children’s emotional responses and behaviour. A study published in the journal Paediatrics and Child Health, titled ‘Understanding adoption: A developmental approach’ (_____) found that children who have experienced trauma or neglect, are prone to “daydreaming, anger issues, fear of abandonment, difficulty falling asleep and, even, kidnapping nightmares”.
“Children with ACE will experience difficulty in adjusting to a new adoptive home environment. They may under-perform in school, throw temper tantrums and display aggressive behaviour. Adoptive parents need to be patient and non-judgemental and focus on providing a loving, stable home environment which will help them overcome their trauma and start afresh,” says Dr. Krishnan.
Moreover, adoptive parents should be prepared for children experiencing the ‘imposter syndrome’ i.e, “when you feel you don’t belong to a family”. “Knowledge that they have been abandoned by their birth parents may make them doubt their own abilities and competence. They may especially doubt whether they deserve to be loved and respected. In extreme cases, the child may psychologically punish herself for having been born. Preserving and building the self-esteem of adopted children should be the #1 priority of adoptive parents. At no point should they be made grateful or obliged for having been rescued from a life of destitution,” says Dr. Aman Bhonsle, a Mumbai-based psychotherapist and relationship counselor.
Though adoption is not a new phenomenon within Indian society, it’s still not as widely prevalent as in the West, if not adoptive parents must be prepared to face some societal disapproval and censure. Insensitive comments and probing questions from neighbours, friends and extended family members are very likely. Simultaneously, parents with adopted children need to equip their children with the skills to cope with questions about adoption, birth parents, etc from peers and adults.
Dr. Cherian Tomy, a Trivandrum-based paediatrician who chose to adopt a special needs infant, says that surprisingly, societal disapproval is greater when when needs are adopted. “We chose to adopt a girl child who had several health problems including serious heart disease. We had to take her through multiple treatments and operations. We knew all this before adoption and willingly accepted the responsibility. But this decision of ours didn’t go down well with our friends and extended family who continue to make insensitive and hurtful comments. According to them by adopting her, we have spoiled the lives of our other two biological girl children. It’s sad that instead of supporting and encouraging the adoption of special needs children, society disapproves of rehabilitation of special needs children,” says Tomy.
Undoubtedly people who adopt neglected and abandoned children are driven by noblest intentions, but the initial period is likely to be stressful and emotionally draining specially for adoptive mothers, who may experience Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS), similar to post-partum depression often suffered by new mothers post-delivery, says Dr. Meghna Singhal, quoted earlier: “It’s normal to experience intense emotional stress and misgivings after adopting a child. PADS is not uncommon. Therefore, it’s important that the adoptive parents build a strong support system and develop positive self-care strategies to cope with stress. If they find the adjustment overwhelming, they should seek professional help. Also, parents need not feel guilty if the love doesn’t come gushing out. It takes time to develop a bond,” advices Singhal”
Against the backdrop of the Covid-19 pandemic having inflicted massive damage to lives and livelihood — officially 30,000 children have been orphaned/abandoned during the pandemic though the actual number is likely to be much greater — thousands of children need loving homes and caring parents. The Union ministry of women and child development needs to urgently accelerate the process it initiated last October to simplify adoption rules and regulations to reduce the long waiting period of couples yearning to adopt children of all ages. Simultaneously, Indian society needs to shed its archaic discriminatory mindsets against adoptive parents who have nobly chosen to provide abandoned children love, care and protection that they need and deserve.
8 Ways to bond with your Adopted Child
Patience Bramlett, a US-based writer with Adoption Choices of Colorado, a non-profit, advises adoptive parents to embrace these 8 strategies to build strong bonds with adopted children.
1. Establish permanency
Your child may be fearful that if she misbehaves, your love for her will diminish. Reassure her that, even when you are in a bad mood or if she has misbehaved, you will continue to love her. This will let her know that your love is here to stay, allowing her to heal and attach.
2. Stick to routine
Structured routines give children a sense of control and allow them to develop trust. Setting bedtime rituals for younger children, or weekly family movie nights for older children, are great ways to establish bonds.
3. Attachment will come with time
Adopted children younger than six months may cry more than usual, sometimes refuse to feed, and nap for either too many or too few hours. This behaviour pattern has nothing to do with parenting skills. If you have adopted a toddler, there are chances your child remembers her previous caregivers and feels she has lost loved ones. This sense of loss can lead to her throw temper tantrums. Be patient, she will learn to trust you with passage of time.
4. Give your child space
Allow and respect her private space, especially in the case of teens. For instance, knocking on the door before entering her room is advisable. Adopted children eventually let their guard down when they feel ‘at home’ in their new home.
5. Open up the lines of communication
Interact as much as possible while being responsive to her needs. Children are curious and will ask questions. This is an opportunity to set the stage for meaningful conversations. Also try not to rush through important family moments, which stimulate bonding.
6. Involve your child in family decisions
Perhaps you could allow her to arrange a family dinner or organise a family activity weekly and/or, a game to play, or a movie to watch every week. Giving your adopted child the chance to take family decisions will make her feel included and equal.
7. Make sure not to verbally attack her birth parents
Even if you disagree with the lifestyle of your child’s birth parents, refrain from telling her they are bad or worthless. Over the years, be honest with your child about her past.
8. Rejection isn’t personal
Please note your child’s initial rejection of you isn’t personal but inability to adjust to the adoption process and her new home environment. Don’t be judgemental, instead give her time to settle into her new home and accept her new parents.
(Source: https://www.adoptionchoices.org/bonding-with-your-adopted-child/)
Inter-cultural adoption: An American story
Even if complex and testing, India’s child adoption programme has a long history of placing children with foreign parents especially in the US. According to latest data of the US State Department, American citizens adopted the second largest number of children from India — 103 between the ages of 1-17 years — in the pandemic year 2020.
Aruna Raghuram spoke to American couple Bonnie and Mark Penno, who adopted an Indian child way back in 1988, about their experience.
“We had many Indian friends in the Chicago area where we lived, and wanted to adopt a child from India. We were fortunate to be able to adopt our son Alex from an orphanage in Kolkata when he was seven months old. The name of the orphanage was Tapoban, which is his middle name. Alex was a premature baby and benefited greatly from advanced medical and special educational intervention in the US. We also attended many adoption counseling classes and joined an Indian cultural group to prepare for inter-cultural adoption, and tried to integrate Indian books, movies, food, photos, and clothing in his life. Also, throughout his childhood we had open discussions about the adoption process to make the whole experience natural and transparent. Alex is now 34 years old and teaches sixth grade science in a middle school in Houston.”
