My 15-year-daughter who is slightly overweight, is being bullied by her friends because of it. I tried many ways to console her but to no avail. How can I help her?
— Malathy Sukumar, Chennai
As a first step, express empathy. Then, encourage her to ideate solutions to the bullying situation and discuss their pros and cons together. Share your perspective too. Advise her not to react and respond aggressively when she is subjected to harsh comments. Often aggressive verbal or non-verbal reactions provide the bully more power. Rehearse different bullying scenarios together and her response to them.
My six-year-old son talks in his sleep. Mostly, we can’t make out what he is saying. Is this normal or should I be worried?
— Shefali Sinha, Mumbai
It’s not uncommon for children to talk in their sleep. He could be excited or worried about a forthcoming event such as a school test, holiday, etc. My advice is to refrain from telling him about his sleep talking habit as it can make him anxious and adversely affect his sleep. Instead, speak and discuss casually with him about what you heard while he talked in his sleep. Children usually outgrow this habit.
My son (10) has started keeping secrets from me. When he is caught doing something he isn’t supposed to be doing, he chooses to lie. I have tried to educate him, but he still persists with this behaviour. How can I resolve this problem?
— Geetu Singh, Delhi
Often pre-teen children want their personal space, independence, and want to resolve problems themselves, which is why they may keep secrets or lie. As a parent, you need to be calm and restrained as angry outbursts and lecturing sessions will be unproductive. The best way to resolve this is by initiating a one-on-one discussion during which you share your concerns. You could perhaps say: “I feel hurt because you told me something which was not true or I felt bad that you did not tell me the truth.” But make sure the discussion doesn’t become about you, it’s about him. He hasn’t lied to hurt you intentionally. Encourage him to see the problem from your perspective and that his persistent untruthfulness will make it difficult for you to trust him again.
My 17-year-old son enjoys gossiping about his friends. I know this is not a desirable character building trait but I hesitate to tell him to stop because I don’t want to offend him. Please advise.
— Mrinalini Vinay, Bengaluru
There’s no quick fix here. You need to invest time and effort to build an emotional connect and rapport with your son. Start by spending quality exclusive time with him every day. During these one-on-one sessions, encourage him to reflect upon his gossip habit and share your perspective in a non-judgmental manner. With teens, you need to suggest and discuss; teaching, telling and preaching is unlikely to work.
(Rajat Soni is a New Delhi-based teen-life and parenting coach and author of Un-Judge Your Teenager (2020))
