Help children learn gratitude, manage disappointment

– Nikki Martyn is program head and Elena Merenda is assistant program head of early childhood studies at University of Guelph Humber Are children with enough stuff disappointed with presents? Modelling limits is a gift Disappointment is a natural human emotion aroused after perceived failure. For young children, perceived failure can look like not getting the toy they wanted, not being invited to a classmate’s birthday party or losing their favourite stuffed toy. It is essential for children’s mental health, well-being and overall development that they learn how to deal with disappointment. But this can be difficult for parents to manage, particularly around holidays that have become associated with consumerism, gift-giving and expectations. North American culture often mistakenly links love and happiness with material goods such as toys; the Santa story promises magical wish fulfilment. This can cause conflict for parents when children don’t get the ‘right’ gift. On holidays such as Xmas, Diwali, there’s social and personal pressure to provide happiness and joy to children through material gifts, which can be confused with providing necessities. For parents who do not have the resources to provide the perfect or desired gift this can cause additional stress, shame, guilt and fear built around disappointment. Parents may feel they have let down a child and that they have spoilt her experience and memory of their ‘special day’. This is especially true if a child has difficulty with or is learning to regulate emotions and expresses disappointment through tantrums or sulking. These behaviours can profoundly affect parents, often leading them to feel badly about themselves or feel that their child does not love them. Focus on traditions over gifts The holiday season should be about love, connection and spending time together. This is at the core of all family traditions and what children will remember and bring with them as they develop and eventually have their own families. Traditions and rituals are more important for creating meaning and a sense of belonging. Being a part of something greater than yourself or your immediate family and creating positive loving memories and security are important for children’s emotional, social and cognitive development. To help children understand the true meaning of a holiday season, you might revise your own traditions. Or you might like to create new family traditions that provide opportunities to connect with each other and your wider community. Experiences such as baking for others and donating to a food bank or toy drive can help children to understand that the holidays are for making a positive difference. Emphasize giving, not receiving Changing our focus from giving rather than receiving can help children develop and appreciate the strength of gratitude. Research has linked gratitude to significant health and wellness benefits such as improving self-esteem, improving sleep and developing empathy. The other thing to learn is that although disappointment feels awful, it is part of life and is actually a positive and healthy emotion central to children’s emotional, cognitive and social development throughout their lives.…