Middle Years

Difficult subjects parents must discuss with children

It’s an important duty and obligation of parents to discuss difficult subjects with children at various stages in their child-adulthood transition: Aruna Raghuram The tone is awkward and uneasy. You are at a loss for words, the atmosphere is tense. Your child is staring at you, waiting expectantly for your response. This is often the prelude of a difficult parent-child discussion. However, it’s an important duty and obligation of parents to discuss difficult subjects with children at various stages in their child-adulthood transition. Some subjects are awkward because they are complex and embarrassing for parents to talk about. Or, because they are difficult for children to understand. Or both. But some tough topics need to be discussed because children need authentic, age-appropriate information from trusted adults, and more important, the knowledge, capabilities and skills to protect themselves. Such knowledge also builds children’s critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Here are some difficult but important subjects parents need to discuss with children. Child sex abuse This is a sensitive but critical subject to address for parents. According to National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) 2020 data, 28.9 percent of children in India have experienced a sexual crime of some type. Psychologists advise parents to start early and educate preschool children about safe and unsafe touch. “Teach children the correct names of all body parts including genitals. This is important for children to be able to communicate clearly to parents if they’ve been touched inappropriately or abused. If parents use alternate names for genital organs children begun to suspect that there is something taboo about those parts of the human body. Start with explaining the difference between safe and unsafe touch to young children and move on to discuss puberty, importance of consent, and cyber safety as children enter adolescence,” says Richa Agarwal, a Delhi-based clinical psychologist and advisor to Parentune, a for-profit social advisory on parenting issues. Sex and sexuality Children aged four-five years are most curious about from where babies emanate. Or why the genitals of girls and boys differ. Parents need to prepare to answer these questions in age-appropriate language. Aarthi Prabhakaran, co-author of Imperfect Parenting: Honest Stories from Global Parents (2023) and mother of two, offers her experience: “We were living in France and my daughter was eight years old when she asked me: ‘How was I born?’. Taken aback, my immediate reaction was less than ideal. I replied that children are born after marriage. It was after this brief conversation that I received an email from my daughter’s class teacher that she was expecting a child with her live-in partner. Therefore I decided to reopen this conversation with my daughter. Meanwhile, my daughter had done some reading in the school library on the subject. I found out what she knew and supplemented it with factual, age-appropriate information. On the other hand, when we had to talk about puberty to my son, I found it better to leave it to my husband to discuss this subject. I thought my son…

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Importance of pursuing creative hobbies

Creative hobbies entail creative use of the mind, body and emotions. They enable flowering of a creative personality and growth of an individual who can offer something new and beautiful to themselves and the world: Yoginder Sikand When I was growing up (I’m talking here of around half a century or so ago!), it was common for children to have one or more hobby — an activity other than something mandated by school which they pursued after school-hours for the sheer joy of it and on which they spent a significant amount of time on a regular basis. As a child, I had several hobbies including: Collecting stamps, first-day covers, coins, picture postcards, matchbox labels, autographs of ‘famous’ people and ‘toothpaste charms’— little toy animals and birds that came with a brand of toothpaste, Reading Listening to the radio Corresponding with pen-friends from around the world. I spent a good deal of my spare time (and a fair portion of my pocket-money) on my hobbies. When I look back now, I realise that most of my hobbies, which reflected and shaped my personality in ways then unknown to me, were passive. By this I mean that they did not entail much action on my part. For instance, collecting coins from different parts of the world involved buying them from a shop or receiving them as gifts and then putting them into a coin album or a simple tin. Likewise most of my other hobbies involved mere collection of items. Hobbies that are based on collecting things can engender passive consumption, a hoarding mentality and greed, although I didn’t know this then. The substantial volume and variety of my stamps, first-day covers, coins, postcards, matchbox labels, autographs and toothpaste charm collection may have given me great delight, but they didn’t entail much effort on my part beyond collecting items and putting them in an appropriate repository. Through these hobbies, I was not creating anything new. I was only accumulating things that others had made. These hobbies did not involve substantial development of any capabilities or hidden potential. They did not require creative use of mind, body and emotions, which I now believe a creative hobby does. At the same time, though, I must state that both my ‘hoarding’ hobbies and other hobbies such as reading, listening to the radio and corresponding with pen-friends from different countries enhanced my knowledge of the world, each in its own way. If I were able to go back to being a child, I would choose a different range of hobbies for myself that entail creative use of the mind, body and emotions and that help the flowering of a creative personality — the growth of a person who can offer something new and beautiful to themselves and the world. Hobbies such as singing, playing a musical instrument, painting, acting, writing, tailoring, pottery, sculpture, woodwork, working with plants and animals, and so on. Here I must state that when I was a child, my parents did…

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Develop your tween’s emotional intelligence

Children with EI are better equipped to manage life’s inevitable vicissitudes. Here are some family activities and games to develop your child’s emotional intelligence and conflict resolution skills: Akanksha Pandey The tween years, spanning from eight to 12 years old, are a time of exploration, growth, and discovery. As tweens navigate this journey, they’re not only learning about math, science, and history. They’re also learning about themselves, their strengths, weaknesses, and emotions. During this development phase, it’s important for parents to focus on nurturing children’s emotional intelligence, or EI i.e, capability to understand, use, and manage emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. Children with EI are better equipped to manage the inevitable vicissitudes of life. Here are some family activities and games designed to develop your child’s emotional intelligence and conflict resolution skills. Emotion charades. Get together with friends and/or family and take turns to act out different emotions without speaking. Participants need to guess the emotions. This game enables children to recognize and express emotions in a playful way. The feelings wheel. Print out a feelings wheel (www.feelingswheel.com) or draw one yourself on chart paper, with different emotions written on it. Affix a strip of card in the middle with a split pin. Spin the wheel and talk about the emotion the split pin stops on. Share what made you feel that way and how you coped with the negative/positive emotion. This activity helps children become aware of their emotions and how to manage them effectively. You could also ask children to decorate the feelings wheel with colours and drawings to make it their own personal masterpiece! Conflict resolution role-play. Divide into pairs and act out different conflict scenarios, taking turns to resolve a disagreement. Practice active listening, express emotions calmly, and discuss solutions which work for everyone. This game helps develop conflict resolution skills. Remember, the goal is not to win or lose, but to find a solution that makes everyone happy. Kindness challenge. Challenge children to perform random acts of kindness every day. It could be as simple as complimenting a classmate or helping a child to carry her books to school. Feelings collage. Ask children to create a photos collage that represents their emotions. They could use old magazines, newspapers, etc to cut out pictures, words, or phrases that reflect how they feel or want to feel. Encourage them to get creative and let their emotions shine! Practicing and training children to acknowledge and manage positive as well as negative emotions is critical for them to build positive inter-personal relationships and succeed in school, college and workplaces. (Akanksha Pandey is a Bengaluru-based clinical psychologist, Head of the School Mental Health Program & co-founder of Compathy Health)

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Encourage, rather than push children to succeed

Research and expert opinion is veering to the conclusion that parental motivation and encouragement work better than pressurising children to succeed: Aruna Raghuram The life cycle of a child to young adult is defined by intense competition in school, college, university and workplaces. What if my child doesn’t make it in this pressure-cooker environment? This fear often propels parents to push their children too hard. The consequences of pushy parents driving their children round the bend are evident in the country’s rising student suicides. According to National Crime Record Bureau (NCRB) data, 59,239 students committed suicide between 2018-2022 — i.e, a student died by suicide every 42 minutes. While suicide is the extreme response, there’s no shortage of research that indicates children who are pushed too much and too hard by overbearing parents to outshine in academics and/or extra-curricular pursuits, experience stress, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. All too often unrealistic parental expectations backfire with children performing poorly in academics. A 2015 research study of the American Psychological Association (APA) reveals that parents setting too high expectations can be counterproductive. The study found that while high parental aspiration led to better academic outcomes, when aspiration exceeded capability, children’s achievements decreased proportionately. “Some parents tend to push and pressurise children because of their own ‘unlived lives’, in the words of Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung. For instance, if a mother aspired to become a doctor but could not, she is likely to push her child to study medicine to fulfil her unrealised aspiration. Competitive parents also push their children to bask in reflected glory. ‘If my child does better than his peers, I am a better mother than others’. Such wish fulfillment is not healthy but negative pressure,” says Meenakshi Gupta, an Ahmedabad-based psychotherapist. According to Gupta, the burden of negative parental pressure usually tells on children — they withdraw socially, become casual about studies, throw tantrums and suffer anxiety and depression. “Many children begin to believe that they are not good enough. To overcome their low self-esteem, they try to become perfectionists. Such children may seem outwardly happy but are anxious and disturbed within. Some may also rebel and misbehave,” adds Gupta. US-based psychotherapist, author and motivational speaker Amy Morin, writing on the website www.verywellfamily.com, details other repercussions of exerting excessive pressure on children. They may resort to cheating in exams/assignments, refuse to participate in activities where they feel they will not shine, and suffer sleep deprivation. Research and expert opinion is veering to the conclusion that parental motivation and encouragement work better than pressurising children to succeed. A definitive research study published the in Canadian Journal of School Psychology (2009) found that motivation rather than “pressure” led to higher academic achievement in school children. Archana Mohan, the Bengaluru-based co-founder of Bookosmia, an online website that publishes children’s writing, and mother of 13-year-old Arnav, concurs. “There’s a big difference between encouraging and pushing children. In the former, unconditional support and encouragement from parents motivates children to realise their full potential. When…

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Six reasons why your child may be ‘lazy’

Children’s perceived laziness has underlying causes ranging from the physical to psychological: Aruna Raghuram “Roshan is so lazy. He sits doing nothing once he is back from school.” “Aarthi just doesn’t want to do her homework. She is so lazy.” “Geeta hates to play any sports. She is so lazy.” “Aryan keeps his room so untidy. He is so lazy.” Four children, but the same label — ‘lazy’ — a harsh, judgmental word that subjects a child to painful criticism from parents, extended family and friends, and peers. Parents, very often, label their child lazy because she is not doing well academically, not eager to play with friends, uninterested in extracurricular activities, or is messy and disorganised. But children’s perceived laziness has underlying causes ranging from the physical to psychological. It’s important for parents to identify the hidden cause of their child’s seeming laziness and address it. Here are six reasons why your child may seem to be lazy. Cognitive problems Many children labelled lazy are dealing with unidentified learning disabilities. A study conducted by the Queensland University of Technology, Australia titled ‘Just Try Harder and You Will Shine: A Study of 20 Lazy Children’ found that 17 of the 20 examined children had a range of learning disabilities (LDs). LDs impact the ability of a child to read, write or do math. Children with LDs such as dyslexia, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or developmental disorders such as autism, are often labelled as lazy before they are diagnosed. “I get parents all the time complaining their child is lazy. On closer evaluation it turns out that the child has a special need. Parents need to be educated and encouraged to understand and address the root cause of children’s laziness,” says Lakshmi Krishnakumar, psychologist and founder-director of Chennai-based Sankalp — the Open School, ranked India’s #1 special needs school in the EducationWorld India School Rankings 2023-24. According to Krishnakumar perceived laziness can stem from several factors. “These include physical and cognitive development disorders, lack of motivation, and difficulty in focusing on assignments, being overwhelmed by them, inability to plan, organise, and execute tasks.” Lack of competence Children want to accomplish tasks and bask in the encouragement and praise they receive when they succeed. But sometimes it’s lack of a skill or competence that makes children hesitant to attempt a task. “Children are inherently curious and physically active. They are not inherently lazy. A prime reason why they may not attempt a task is because they lack the confidence to execute it. A child would prefer to be labelled lazy rather than incompetent. For instance, a child may shy away from doing a maths assignment because she doesn’t know how to do it. Whenever a child seems lazy there is always some underlying cause,” says Dr. Debmita Dutta, a Bengaluru-based medical practitioner and parenting consultant who has written seven books on parenting. Parenting style Three styles of parenting — permissive, uninvolved and authoritarian — prompt disinterest. “In the permissive style a child…

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Supporting children during divorce

Children love family life and invariably suffer anxiety and insecurity when parents break up. Here are some ways parents can help children adjust to divorce writes Belcia Prakash For children, separation and divorce of parents is an emotionally draining experience. While parents going through divorce spend most of their time sorting out their own feelings of hurt, rejection and bitterness, children who witness arguments and recrimination suffer their own roller coaster of emotions. Children love family life and invariably suffer anxiety and insecurity when parents break up. Therefore, it’s important to give them time to adjust to the new situation and make efforts to create a peaceful home environment. Parents and children need to learn to move on with grace and confidence. Here are some ways parents can help children adjust to divorce: Reassure them that the new situation will be better. Dr. Shachee Dalvi, a Mumbai-based child and women psychologist, says that she encourages parents to communicate with children forthrightly about divorce and how the new situation might be better for all. “There are two situations, A and B. Situation A is a home where parents are constantly fighting and quarrelling and Situation B, in which parent lives separately but they continue to speak and meet each other as friends. Your child is likely to prefer Situation B where parents live away from each other but maintain civility,” says Dr. Dalvi who adds that emphasising the positives of divorce goes a long way in children accepting the marital break-up. Prepare your child to answer divorce questions from friends/relatives. Parents need to prepare their children to answer tough questions about divorce from peers and relatives without hesitation. Teach them what they can tell others. For example: “Children can be advised to tell friends that your parents have decided to live apart, adding that it is their personal decision, and I respect it, so please don’t ask me more questions.” Be frank and forthright. It’s necessary for parents to be transparent with their children about a divorce and new living arrangements. They need to be told exactly what to expect. For example: “You will live with Mommy but can visit Daddy and spend time with him on some weekends and holidays.” Try gradual separation. To enable children adjust to the new situation, parents should ensure that the separation is gradual rather than abrupt. This will help them become mentally accustomed to the disruption in their home and social life. “This gradual separation process may not always be possible, but if it can be done, it will help children cope better with the disruption in their lives,” says Dr. Dalvi. Spend quality time with children. While all children need quality time with parents, those experiencing parental separation need it all the more. “Spend at least 30 minutes every day with your child, minus criticism, lectures or gadgets. Allow her to decide how she wants to spend the time together. It can be anything from just talking to playing, singing, dancing. Strengthening the…

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Five benefits of giving children choices

Child development and parenting experts are increasingly becoming aware that providing children choices from young age enables them to develop independence, decision-making skills, and confidence writes Aruna Raghuram Adults cherish their freedom. And, a large component of this freedom is the autonomy to make decisions. Why wouldn’t children want the same? Child development and parenting experts are increasingly becoming aware that providing children choices from young age enables them to develop independence, decision-making skills, and confidence. It also avoids tantrums and gives them a sense of power and control over their lives. Dr. Laura Markham, a US-based clinical psychologist, parenting expert and founder of Aha! Parenting website, says the best way to manage uncooperative children is to give them choices. “Giving choices may be the single most useful tool parents have for managing young children. It really is almost a magic wand, at least until children are about five. And even into the teen years, choices help children learn to manage themselves,” she writes. For instance, if you give your child this choice: “Do you want to go to bed now or in five minutes?”, it may avert a bedtime tantrum. Why does giving choices work? Because it’s a win-win solution. “You, as a parent, are offering only choices that are okay with you. Your child gets to pick one that’s okay with her. You sidestep the power struggle. The child is in charge, within your parameters. No one likes to be forced to do something. Here, because she chooses, she cooperates,” explains Dr. Markham. A cardinal rule while giving choices is to not overwhelm children with too many options. Prof. Michal Maimaran, a faculty member at the Kellogg School of Management, Northwestern University, USA recalls meeting a paediatrician who was troubled by the number of choices modern day parents are giving their children. For instance, at the park, a child is asked whether she would rather play on the slide, swing, or kick a ball, or throw a Frisbee, or climb a tree! Prof. Maimaran decided to study the impact of providing too many choices to children. The research study published in Judgment and Decision Making (2017) found that children, who were given less choices (two options) vis-a-vis- six or seven, were more engaged and performed better in activities. Age-appropriate choices It’s important to give children age-appropriate and realistic choices. For instance, asking a toddler to choose whether she wants to nap or not in the afternoon is asking for trouble! It will result in a cranky child and frazzled parents. Here are some guidelines: Infants and toddlers. Even infants make choices. An infant indicates when and how much she wants to breastfeed. When a little older, she will select from finger foods that appeal to her in terms of colour, texture or taste. Toddlers should be given age-appropriate and limited choices. For instance, whether she wants to wear a blue or green T’shirt or whether she wants to play with blocks or read a story. Preschoolers. You could…

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Understanding autism spectrum disorder

It’s the duty of all parents to lead by example and also teach their children to communicate with autistic children with sensitivity and empathy writes Ritu Jain Does your child have a sibling, neighbour, classmate, or play buddy who is diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD)? If yes, your child may be reporting difficulty in communicating with her. Before you educate and teach her about communicating with children with ASD, you need to understand this disorder. Herein is a short guide to ASD. Autism spectrum disorder is a development disability which affects an individual’s social and interpersonal interactions. Some common signs and symptoms are: Children with ASD don’t like to participate in group activities and/or show disinterest. They are also unable to decode non-verbal signals. For instance, if you smile or grimace, they will not respond. Sensory issues also pose problems as many autistic children cannot tolerate high noise levels. Children with ASD perform repetitive movements such as flapping their hands or spinning and become irritated or frustrated by minor changes in their daily routine. Their language skills are not fully developed and most of the time it is hard for them to follow instructions. They can’t speak in complete sentences and/or repeat words or phrases. They may also speak in a flat voice or monotone and have no sense of humour or sarcasm. Hyperactivity, temper issues, and aggression are also common symptoms. They may avoid eye contact while interacting with others. Therefore, social interaction is a challenge for children with ASD because they are unable to control/manage their emotions. In the circumstances it’s the duty of all parents to lead by example and teach their children to communicate with autistic children with sensitivity and empathy. Here are some guidelines. Show them love. Children with ASD find it difficult to express their emotions. However, they need love and care. Try your best to show interest, concern, and support. Address them by name. To let them know you are speaking to them, start every conversation with their name. Also before starting any conversation, answering, or questioning them, ensure they are paying attention. Keep conversations short. It’s challenging for a child with autism to filter out irrelevant information. She will skip important and relevant points if the conversation is too long. Be patient. Children with ASD take time to process information. Make an effort to speak slowly. Pause between words, allowing them the opportunity to understand and process information. Wait for them to respond before starting the next sentence. Clear communication. Be direct, concise, and straightforward in your communication. Avoid using slang, nuance, or sarcasm. Autistic children find such communication complex and difficult to understand. Limit use of “no”. People with autism may be confused by your refusal. Instead of saying ‘no’ try to reschedule the canceled activity to a later day or week. Use a different word/symbol than refusal. Be empathetic and respectful. Some children with ASD like to be hugged much more frequently than normal children. However, some don’t want…

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Dysfunctional families: Signs, Impact & How to Cope

Growing up in a dysfunctional family adversely impacts children’s socio-emotional development, health and well-being writes Nishiha J “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” — wrote Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy in the opening lines of his novel Anna Karenina. The family is the fulcrum around which a child’s life revolves, shaping her values, character, socialization, inter-personal and relationship skills. Therefore when the family unit is dysfunctional, it adversely impacts children’s socio-emotional development, health and well-being. In particular, pre-teens and teenage children growing up in dysfunctional families are especially vulnerable. Reema Joyice, assistant professor of psychology, Women’s Christian College, Chennai, echoes Tolstoy’s sentiment. “Every dysfunctional family is dysfunctional in its own way. In some there could be conflicts between the parents, in others between parents and adolescent children, or health and financial troubles. Conflicts are common in all families. But when conflicts are kept alive and allowed to fester, the family becomes dysfunctional,” says Joyice. According to Joyice, typically in a dysfunctional family there is abuse (physical or verbal), child neglect, lack of love, strong negative emotions against family members, lack of proper communication and frequent arguments. “When children live day in and day out in a fractious home environment, it affects their physical and mental development. They may suffer loss in appetite, throw temper tantrums, display anxiety, aggressive behaviour and suffer depression. They tend to have low self-esteem and grow up thinking that abusive behaviour is normal. Most of them carry the scars into adulthood, often mirroring their parents’ angry and toxic traits,” adds Joyice. However, Joyice believes that if provided adequate support and counseling, children can learn to cope and overcome the challenges of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Some guidelines for parents: Children emulate parental behaviour. Therefore take great care not to argue and use abusive language in the presence of children. If parents have argued/fought before children, take time to explain the situation to them and follow it up with an apology. You need to frequently reassure children of your love, affection and unconditional support, no matter what the situation. Consult mental health professionals if you are unable to resolve conflicts and cope with anger and relationship problems. Encourage children to meet a counselor, either formally or informally. An extended family member or friend could also be a counselor. The school plays an important role in providing mental health support to children. Take the lead to discuss the family situation with the school teacher/counselor and solicit support and counseling for your child. Enroll in an offline/online parent education programme to understand the adverse impacts of dysfunctional families on children. Encourage children to interact with extended family members such as aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who can provide emotional support in times of distress.

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Helping children cope with eco-anxiety

A multiplying number of children are experiencing and displaying anxiety about damage to the environment, flora and fauna, and adverse effects of climate change writes Ranjini Rao When seven-year-old Kyra Kumar exclaimed to her mother, “Mama, I’m a nature-an!” she not only meant she loved nature, but that she also wanted to care for it and protect everything in it — the plants and trees, lady bugs and butterflies, rain clouds and water lilies. Kyra is one among a small but fast-multiplying number of children who are exhibiting eco-anxiety — defined as persistent worry about present and future harm to the environment, due to climate change and unrestrained exploitation of nature. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines it as “chronic fear of environmental doom.” Eco-anxiety in its mild form manifests as worry about damage to ecology, stemming from a deep love of nature. In extreme cases, ecological anxiety tends to cause emotional distress, panic attacks, and feelings of hopelessness. Greta Thunberg (20), the world-famous Swedish environmental activist, traces the roots of her international activism to extreme eco-anxiety as a child. “It’s common in our home to see Kyra reprimanding her grandmother for swatting a mosquito or her grandfather, for smacking an ant dead. In school too she hates being tied down to her classroom and wants to spend time chasing butterflies and centipedes on the campus,” says Rajathi Subramaniam, a Bengaluru-based homemaker and Kyra’s mother. Gopa Bose, founder teacher at the Bangalore Steiner School, Kanakapura Road, also reports a rising number of children experiencing and displaying anxiety about damage to flora and fauna. “As the adverse impact of climate change and human exploitation of nature becomes more evident, our students have become more sensitive and caring towards the environment. They want to do all they can to protect it. In our school we encourage this eco-sensitivity and provide all opportunities for our children to develop a meaningful relationship with nature. Our children tend the school’s flower garden, vegetable patch, compost waste facility and care for insects, birds and animals on campus,” says Bose, also trustee of the Bangalore Steiner School (estb.2011) which follows the education philosophy of Rudolp Steiner (1861-1925), an Austrian scientist, educator and social reformer. Meanwhile, there’s is a growing body of research which shows that climate change is affecting the psychological development of children, and that children in the six-12 age bracket are particularly vulnerable to environmental stressors. Way back in 2018, the American Psychological Association issued a report about the impact of climate change on mental health. It said that “gradual, long-term changes in climate can also surface a number of different emotions, including fear, anger, feelings of powerlessness, or exhaustion”. Therefore, it’s become critically important for parents and teachers to enable children to cope with eco-anxiety. Prahlad Revankar, a Vizag-based scientist and father of 17-year-old Pravin, who recently participated in the Save Soil movement initiated by the Isha Foundation promoted by popular evangelist Sadhguru, believes that the role of parents is to fully support and…

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Replace digital screen focus with other activities

Parents need to make efforts to wean children off digital devices by engaging them in non-tech activities writes Mini P The time children expend staring at digital devices such as smartphones, desktop computers and laptops has increased dramatically after the Covid pandemic. According to a recent study published in JAMA Pediatrics, children’s on screen time spiked by 52 percent between 2020 and 2022. Time expended on handheld devices and personal computers was highest for children aged 12-18 years. The outcome of digital addiction is that a rising number of children are reporting physical and psychological disorders. Therefore, parents need to make efforts to wean children off digital devices by engaging them in non-tech activities. Some suggestions: Physical activity Apart from the obvious option of enrolling children in organised sports and fitness classes, here are some at-home activities that parents can introduce. • Clay. Playing with clay improves children’s fine motor skills. Keep a cardboard/plastic box to store clay and encourage children to play and mould it into varying shapes and designs. • Trampoline. Install a mini trampoline at home. It’s a safe and excellent physical activity for children. • Swing. If you have a garden or large verandah, you could hang a swing for children to use. • Music. Set a daily hour for children to sing and/or dance to their favourite music. Excellent for fitness. • Basketball. A basketball basket can be fixed in the garden or a spare/store room. Also purchase some tennikoit rings for young children to play. • Sand and slime. Coloured squishy sand and slime provide sensory stimuli and improve hand muscle movement. Purchase non-toxic sand and slime and encourage children to play with it. However, ensure children wash hands after play. • Fidget toys. Keep fidget toys such as a sand timer, pop-it or fidget spinner at home. These are stress relievers for children. Calming children • Gift your child soft toys. Encourage her to talk to them and express herself: “You can hug your teddy when you feel happy,” or “You can tell your unicorn why you are angry.” • Encourage gardening. It’s a nature-friendly and soothing activity. The wonderment of monitoring growth of a plant grow from seed to maturity is very satisfying. • Encourage reading. For youngest children, buy touch-and-feel/pop-up books. Read to them and set an example by reading yourself. • Excessive screen watching. This can adversely affect children’s behaviour and make them anxious and irritable. Encourage children to identify, label and overcome negative emotions. • Impose screen time limits. Initially children are likely to react angrily. Respond by suggesting engagement in other enjoyable activities suggested above or cycling in the local park or playing an outdoor sport.

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Fighting parental burnout

A growing number of new millennium parents are suffering burnout with disastrous consequences for children In the fast-pace age of ubiquitous social media, parents are increasingly experiencing high stress as they juggle household chores, child rearing duties, children’s school and co-curricular activities schedules, the workplace, friends and family. They are discharging responsibilities that parents of preceding generations never experienced or imagined, and without the support system that their parents/grandparents enjoyed. Today, the overwhelming majority of urban households comprise nuclear families with working parents struggling to cope with work and child care duties. And the brunt of the workload stress is experienced by women who are expected to discharge their workplace and parental duties impeccably. Moreover in the new era of all-pervasive social media, pressure on new millennium parents to live up to media glorification of super-parents has intensified stress. All this has resulted in a growing number of parents suffering burnout with disastrous consequences for children. Typical burnout symptoms include exhaustion, fatigue, exasperation and emotional distancing from children. Several studies have highlighted that parental burnout adversely affects parenting obligation and capability. Highly-stressed parents tend to pass their anxiety, frustration and exhaustion onto children. Given the strong negative impact of parental burnout on children, it’s important for parents to slow down and focus on getting back on track. Here is a three-step guide to prevent and remedy parental burnout. 1. Slow down. Don’t cram your daily schedule with activities. Slow down. Focus on the quality and not quantum of activities, and select those that relax and calm the mind. Also, listen to your children instead of always instructing and teaching them. 2. Replace complaints with curiosity. If your children’s behaviour is upsetting, don’t complain; instead become curious about the root causes of negative behaviour. Discuss problems with them and ideate solutions. Reach out to experts if you are unable to resolve problems. Stressing over children’s recalcitrant behaviour is likely to make the situation worse. Confront problems and devise action plans to resolve them. 3. Ensure self-care. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you find that instead of love, anger is pouring out of you — carve out time for self care. Eat and sleep well, exercise, and enjoy time spent with family and friends while refraining from self-blame. Moreover, don’t judge your parental performance harshly and avoid making comparisons. (Dr. Debmita Dutta is the Bengaluru-based founder of Parenting Place. She has authored seven books on parenting and conducted dozens of neuroscience-based parenting workshops)

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Mindfulness is the new mantra for Parents

Practising mindfulness is highly recommended to 21st century parents weighed down by the multifarious challenges of raising children in the age of ubiquitous social media, writes Aruna Raghuram Mindfulness is more than a trendy buzzword in this age of high-stress lifestyles. It’s being increasingly acknowledged by scientists, psychologists and wellness experts as the prerequisite of mental and emotional well-being. Defined as the art of “maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens” (Prof. Jon Kabat-Zinn, University of Massachusetts Medical School), mindfulness is rapidly evolving into a popular form of meditation practised by a growing number of adults. In particular, practising mindfulness is highly recommended to 21st century parents weighed down by the multifarious challenges of raising children in the age of ubiquitous social media. “Mindfulness is a state of mind: one of calmness, gratitude, and compassion. For instance when you resolve to accept whatever comes your way without passing judgement, it’s a mindful practice. While formal practices include focusing on regulating breathing and meditation, you can informally practise mindfulness in daily life. For example, you can eat, walk and cook mindfully. For parents in particular, practicing mindfulness has many benefits. It helps to slow and calm them, listen to and accept children’s opinions without judgement and most importantly reduces anxiety and stress,” says Subha Parthasarathy, a Bengaluru-based parents counsellor and trainer. Indeed there’s no dearth of anecdotal and scientific evidence to support the beneficial correlation between mindfulness and positive parenting. A 2016 study on mindfulness and parenting, published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, concluded that “increasing evidence supports the relevance of mindfulness in parenting”. The study which surveyed mothers of preschool children found a significant positive correlation between mindfulness and parenting and negative correlation between mindfulness and stress, depression and anxiety. Mindful parenting was strongly linked with reduced stress specific to the role of a mother, to parent-child interactions and perceptions about children. Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center, USA, and co-author (with his wife Myla Kabat-Zinn) of Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting (1998), is a strong proponent of parents practising mindfulness to improve parent-child interaction and bonding. The key to mindful parenting, they write, is “acknowledging and supporting the sovereignty of children” which helps build “self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-confidence and trust in his/her own true nature”, in them. Sindhuri Ananth, who works for a not-for-profit school in Bengaluru and is the mother of five-year-old Aadith, swears by the benefits of mindful parenting after completing a six-week online course of the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) in daily mindfulness. “Practising mindfulness has helped to control my emotions and has calmed me down. It has prompted me to be more child-led in my parenting. Today, I make it a point to listen to my son and put his needs first. For instance, Aadith is an introvert and doesn’t socialise easily. Mindfulness has taught me to be patient with…

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Protecting tweens from sexual abuse

Parents need to take special care to guide, educate and protect tweens from sexual abuse and cyber bullying, write Shubhashree Karmakar & Veena Joshi The ‘tween’ or ‘pre-teen’ phase is a bittersweet transitional period for children as they prepare to transition from childhood to adolescence. During this period they struggle to cope with onset of puberty-related physical, emotional and cognitive changes while beginning to assert their independence by resisting parental authority, and often indulging in risky behaviour. It is a vulnerable phase during which they are susceptible to sexual abuse. Parents need to take special care to guide, educate and protect tweens from sexual abuse, cyber bullying and other types of abuse. Some guidelines to aid, enable and protect tweens. Balance child safety & independence Pre-teens want to assert their independence, they are rebellious and temperamental, and want unrestricted peer interaction. Simultaneously they are becoming aware of puberty-related physical changes and discovering their sexuality. This is a crucial phase during which parents need to tread carefully by striking the right balance between allowing them the freedom to make their own decisions and ensuring children’s safety. The best way to strike this balance:  Encourage two-way communication and lend a patient ear to your child’s problems. Take care not to be preachy and judgemental.  If you’re curious about your tween’s personal life, don’t question her directly and abrasively. Listen and connect with her through short conversations and enjoyable activities. Strengthen your bonds.  Warm and empathetic responses to queries helps tweens feel safe and protected.  Support them in decision-making. Discuss pros and cons of a problem and help them to make safe decisions. Discuss child sexual abuse It is normal for parents to feel uncomfortable when discussing child sexual abuse (CSA). But remember, you are their best teacher and guide.  Encourage open, honest conversations with tweens about personal safety and likely CSA situations. But before you discuss CSA, you need to be well-informed on the topic, and learn to use child-appropriate vocabulary and language. This is imperative for parents intent upon shedding CSA discomfort. In most cases children are hesitant to discuss sexuality and related matters because they can sense parental discomfort on this subject.  Parents can also seek help beyond the family, from paediatricians, gynaecologists and/or counsellors. Ask them to reiterate the importance of personal safety to children.  Visit websites such as Arpan’s e-learn website or of any other NGO educating children about personal safety and CSA.  Utilize teaching opportunities that arise when children ask questions about sex or when there is a news report/movie about CSA.  Teach children about unsafe touching and situations. Empower them to refuse assertively and call/scream for help. Child sexual abuse impact Sexual abuse deeply impacts the lives of children physiologically, psychologically and socially. Some of the physical consequences include pregnancy, psycho-somatic illnesses, repeated urinary infection and sexually transmitted diseases. Psychological impact manifests by way of irrational fear of strangers, nightmares, lassitude, eating and sleeping disorders. Social impact…

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Preparing for early menarche

With sharp decline in the menarche age, it’s become critically important for parents to mentally prepare girl children for the onset of menstruation and its associated physical changes, writes Ramiya Saktivel Menarche or the onset of menstruation is a time of anxiety and apprehension for girl children. More so, since the age of menarche has been steadily declining over the past decades for several reasons including global warming, rising incidence of obesity, and lifestyle changes. It’s not uncommon for girl children today to attain puberty between nine-11 years of age. According to a 2014 research study published in the National Library of Medicine online journal, the mean age of menarche of Indian women was 13.76 years in 2005. A more recent study (2020) published in the Journal of Preventive Medicine and Holistic Health estimates the average age of menarche to have declined to 12.77 years. Against this backdrop of sharp decline in the menarche age, it’s become critically important for parents to mentally prepare girl children for the onset of menstruation and its associated physical changes. Menarche signs Dr. Anu Sridhar, senior consultant, obstetrics and gynaecology, Fortis Hospital, Bengaluru, advises parents to look out for bodily changes/signs indicating onset of the first menstrual period. “A girl’s menstrual cycle usually begins around two years after she grows breasts. Another sign is vaginal discharge fluid, which can be noticed on the underwear. This discharge typically begins six months to a year before menarche,” says Dr. Sridhar. Preparing the child These signs are indicators that it’s time to start conversations about puberty. If she is nine years old and/or mentions a friend experiencing menarche, explain that menstruation is a normal physical process experienced by all girl children worldwide. In particular, prepare her for the physical changes she will experience. Answer all questions honestly including queries about child birth. Discussion guidelines • Stress that menstruation is normal and experienced by every woman • Use age-appropriate language to explain the ovulation process which will make childbirth possible in later years. • Reassure her that blood discharge is heavier for some girls and lighter for others. • Teach her to use sanitary pads the right way, to maintain vaginal hygiene. • Emphasise that normal activities including sports can be continued during menstrual periods. Menstrual products Sanitary pads are available in a variety of shapes and sizes, and should be chosen according to the severity of the blood discharge. Although synthetic material pads are readily available, the trend is towards using natural pads made with plant fibres and reusable cloth. Tampons are another option but since they need to be inserted internally, all girl children are not comfortable using them. Usually tampons and menstrual cups are used by girls who participate in sports such as swimming. “Whatever sanitary product you use, it’s most important to maintain proper hygiene. Parents must teach girl children how to use pads, change them frequently, and wash hands before and after adding or changing them. This is necessary to prevent vaginal infections.…

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Rising number of parents switching to Green Purchasing

With the ravages of climate change, global warming, pollution and deforestation manifesting globally and impacting children’s physical and mental well-being, a growing number of parents are switching to consciously purchasing green eco-friendly products, writes Aruna Raghuram Upper middle class and elite parents spend a great deal on child care and nurturance — from infant care products, toys, and books to clothes, footwear and food. The Indian baby care products market is currently valued at an estimated $15 billion (Rs.118,950 crore) and is expected to grow to $40 billion by 2029. A 2019 survey by Prodege, a marketing and consumer rights platform, found that 65 percent of Indian parents spend up to Rs.700 per month on children’s toys. As parental spending on child care and nurturance is witnessing an upsurge, the probability of nexgen parents buying green products is also rising. In particular over the past decade and especially after outbreak of the Covid-19 pandemic, parents are becoming increasingly aware of the need to buy eco-friendly and sustainable products. With the ravages of pollution, climate change, global warming and deforestation manifesting globally and impacting children’s physical and mental well-being, a rising number of parents are switching to consciously purchasing green, eco-friendly products. According to the Consumer Intel Report 2021 of Vericast, a leading US-based marketing solutions company, millennial parents are switching to purchasing chemical free, organic products and want their children to come of age on a clean and green planet. The report reveals that 72 percent of millennial parents are more likely to be loyal to a brand or store that follows sustainable and ethical green practices; 63 percent are willing to pay more for eco-friendly products and 51-57 percent are more likely to buy from a company that offers sustainable products and uses organic or natural materials. Some popular child care products gone eco-friendly are cloth nappies (cf. synthetic), wooden/bamboo toys (plastic), non-toxic and biodegradable play mats (plastic), soft toys made from organic cotton (polyester), and biodegradable wipes. “Woke parents are becoming increasingly aware of the need to buy and use eco-friendly products which are safe for children and good for mother Earth. With pollution, climate change and destruction of natural habitats posing a grave risk to the future of the planet, parents have to do all they can to reduce the carbon footprint through their purchase decisions. Their mantra should be Reuse, Recycle, Reduce, and Refuse. Parents should refuse to buy things that are not needed to limit runaway consumption and consumerism,” says Divya Namboothiri, programme officer at ENVIS (Environmental Information System), a resource partner of the Ahmedabad-based Consumer Education and Research Centre (CERC) which focuses on educating the public about sustainable products and eco-labelling. According to Namboothiri, some eco-friendly products Indian parents should opt for include bamboo tooth brushes, organic soaps, steel tiffin boxes and water bottles, recycled paper books, cloth bags, and reusable copper straws. “For parents buying organic products is no longer an option, it should be the preferred choice, if they want their children…

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Nurturing creative thinking skills

Play this interesting game — Troubleshooting — to improve children’s creative thinking and problem-solving skills, writes Cynthia John Thirteen-year-old Jeet Sanyal accidently broke his mother’s favourite bowl made of dark blue glass dotted with white flowers. Before his mother could learn of the accident, he put on a pair of gloves, cleaned up the floor and used the broken pieces to create a pretty mosaic picture by sticking the glass pieces on a sheet of silver paper. His mother was impressed by the artwork and quickly forgave Jeet for breaking the bowl. Imagination and creativity come naturally to children. Parents need to nurture this natural talent of children by encouraging them to engage in creative activities and pursuits. Play Troubleshooting — an interesting game — to improve children’s creative thinking and problem-solving skills. Troubleshooting game Sit the family in a circle. Flash a thumbs-up at one of the players and say “Challenge.” That person moves to the centre of the circle and is presented with a problem to solve. After she successfully solves the problem, she passes the Challenge to another person in the circle who must provide an alternative solution to the problem. After two players have provided solutions to the first problem, propose another problem. If an individual is unable to present a solution, she should pass on the challenge to another player. This is a great game to encourage children to think creatively and present different perspectives and solutions to one problem. Here are some problems you can pose in the game: 1. You are left home alone with your younger brother. He wants to play but there are no toys around. But you have old newspapers, scissors, glue, cellotape and a stapler. Find a way to entertain your brother. (You can provide these items and ask her to demonstrate the solution. Some suggestions: make paper rockets, boats, balls or a dress by cutting a hole for the head and stapling the sides. Or cut a big ad in the newspaper into pieces to make a jigsaw puzzle) 2. You want to buy an ice-cream. But the doors of the shop are closed and there’s a huge wall around it. Some of your friends are already inside the store. What will you do to access the ice-cream shop? Some possible answers: • Ask a friend inside to open the doors. • Climb over the wall. • Throw a rope over the wall and ask a friend insideto fasten it to a tree. Climb over the wall using the rope. • Use a ladder to get over the wall. • Ask your friends to pass some ice-cream through the doors. • Break a hole in the wall. • Dig a passage under the wall. • Ask the gatekeeper to open doors. 3. You want to prepare a project for your school science exhibition on the theme ‘Nature.’ You have glue, cardboard, paper and scissors. What can you make? (You can make a forest scene with cardboard cutouts or…

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Pandemic spurs dads to become Hands on Parents

With parents forced to work from home and children learning at home, male parents had never-before opportunities to participate in child care, nurturance and education duties usually dispensed by overworked mothers, writes Aruna Raghuram If there is a bright spot of the Covid-19 pandemic lockdowns and related restrictions, it’s that it gave millennial parents, in particular males, time and opportunity to bond with their children. With parents forced to work from home and children learning at home, male parents had never-before opportunities to participate in child care, nurturance and education duties usually dispensed by overworked mothers. A 2020 Harvard University study titled How the Pandemic is Strengthening Fathers’ Relationships with their Children revealed that 70 percent of male parents reported “feeling closer to their children” during the pandemic. According to the study, male parents reported “more meaningful conversations, sharing more with their children about their own lives, and discovered new, common interests”. In India as well, within middle class households, the pandemic spurred dads to get more involved in their children’s lives, and share household chores. “During the pandemic there has been a trend of dads pitching in to help with household chores and parenting responsibilities. But this trend is mostly among young parents in their 20s-30s, and in double-income households. This has enabled children to become better acquainted with male parenting and learn important lessons in gender equality,” says Dr. Gaurang Jani, a Ahmedabad-based sociologist with special interest in gender studies. Dr. Jani says that although parenting equations are changing with many dads transforming into hands-on parents during the pandemic, in traditional families, there is still a, “communication wall ” between fathers and children. “In conservative, traditional households, mothers are care givers and fathers are rarelyat-home financial providers. There is little involvement of dads in children’s day-to-day lives. This is unfortunate as active involvement of both parents helps to nurture happy, contented and healthy children,” he says. Several recent research studies have highlighted that children greatly benefit socially, cognitively and emotionally from greater involvement of male parents in child nurturance. A loving, supportive and involved father can contribute greatly to the children’s cognitive and social development as well as academic achievement. A 2019 University of Georgia study titled How Fathers, Children Should Spend Time Together found that the type of involvement — caregiving vs play — and the timing — workday vs non-workday — positively impacts the quality of fatherchild relationship. It concluded that fathers who spend considerable time “helping out with child care-related tasks on workdays develop the best relationships with their children”. Nidhi Sharma, a Mumbai-based family therapist and work-life balance coach, believes the unprecedented pandemic lockdown compelled parents to collaborate, cooperate and share household and parenting responsibilities. “Earlier, male parents tended to be less involved in child care. But with the pandemic having hugely disrupted family and work lives, fathers have had to step up and share parenting duties. Involvement and support of both parents positively boosted the confidence of young children. However in the case…

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Make rules work for your family

Setting and subsequently ensuring rules are followed is not easy, but it’s an essential parenting duty, writes Aarti C. Rajaratnam One of the biggest parenting errors is “I am a good parent because I give my child complete freedom.” Freedom must be conferred responsibly. Children learn responsibility within rules and regulation structures. When a child doesn’t follow rules, she may not be able to initiate or sustain peer relationships. She may not be able to cooperate and collaborate in getting team tasks completed. Setting and subsequently ensuring rules are followed is not easy, but it’s an essential parenting duty. Here’s how to make rules work for your family: 1. Set rules and boundaries, and encourage children to follow them without advising, nagging, comparing, belittling or punishing them. This is the first step towards nurturing emotionally well-balanced children. Children are not born with inherent capability to follow rules; it’s learned behaviour. They will appreciate rules and routines that are predictable and bring rewards, appreciation and acceptance. 2. Drawing up a rules book does not guarantee compliance. Rules are merely the framework for nurturing good behaviour. Appreciate compliance, without expecting perfect outcomes. Nor should rules be set in stone. Provide children choices within the rules framework. 3. Children will manipulate rules because they expect that certain behaviour and/or chain of behaviour gives them certain rewards. To unlearn and learn new behaviour takes time. Therefore, before positive changes kicks in, negative behaviour will escalate and if you are consistent in supporting the direction of desired change, children will learn that the new behaviour gains them your appreciation, approval and support. 4. When you “give in” at the slightest hint of resistance to change, often demonstrated as tantrums, crying, screaming, blackmailing etc, children learn more ways to control you, thereby delaying and destroying your rules and regulations framework 5. Understand that every time you react to negative behaviour you are encouraging its continuance. Your reactions including anger signify that negative behaviour will attract parental attention. It will naturally increase. Better to be a parent who steers change by appreciating children’s positive efforts. 6. Explain that negative behaviour will have consequences, but ensure they are not too severe. 7. Speak with her school teachers and solicit their help in ensuring that she completes school work on time while also requesting teachers to provide understanding and support if your child needs remedial assistance. 8. Behaviour management-related rules are the same for gifted children. The only difference being that you will need to provide opportunities for them to learn new skills to utilise their higher intelligence. (Aarti C. Rajaratnam is a NLP master practitioner, child psychologist, speaker and educationist, and bestselling author of Parenting: Innocence to Inner Sense)

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Embrace gentle parenting to raise happy, confident children

Aruna Raghuram “When we are gentle with our children, we model and help create the inner voice that will accompany them through their lives.” – Dr. Allison Andrews, well-known American psychologist Picture this scene. Four-year-old Asha has thrown a huge temper tantrum and is bawling as she lies on the kitchen floor. Her exasperated mother Renu picks her up and takes her to her room. “That’s it. You will stay in there until you learn to behave,” says Renu. Asha has been grounded for bad behaviour. But locking her up will be counterproductive because Asha is too young to understand and cope with her fluctuating emotions without the help of her parents. And, when she needs it the most, her mother has cut off all communication with her. Confused and miserable, she continues crying softly. Parents who subscribe to ‘gentle parenting’ would have intervened very differently in this situation. They would have given Asha a ‘time-in’ instead of a ‘time-out’ by examining the causes that triggered her tantrum and helped her self-soothe. This would have enabled her to regulate her emotions — a vital life skill — in future. Gentle parenting Gentle parenting is defined as “a positive parenting approach based on gentleness”. It involves guiding rather than controlling children. It is the antithesis of authoritarian parenting where parents micro-manage children’s lives. In gentle parenting, children are partners who are given choices and empowered to make decisions. However it should not be confused with permissive parenting, when discipline suffers as parents attempt to please children to prevent tantrums and conflict. Gentle parenting is dissimilar to ‘authoritative’ parenting in that a child is given respect and consulted before decisions are taken. It is congruent with ‘attachment’ parenting where the focus is on creating a secure, trusting bond between parent and child. But there is more to gentle parenting than these two styles. Comments Dr. Meghna Singhal, a Bengaluru-based clinical psychologist and internationally certified positive parenting coach: “Gentle parenting involves unconditional love and acceptance of one’s child without the use of harsh disciplining and punishment. When children misbehave, they are actually struggling to regulate their emotions. Accept your child’s emotions. Don’t deny or undermine them as it will give your child the message that some emotions are shameful and unacceptable. Instead, let children know that experiencing the full range of human feelings is normal and natural, even while some actions must be limited. This is the essence of gentle parenting.” Dr. Singhal provides an example of how parents can use gentle parenting effectively. “Instead of saying, ‘STOP playing and come for dinner NOW,’ you can try saying, ‘I know it’s hard for you to stop playing and come for dinner.’ Your child may have to do what you say, but you have shown her that she’s entitled to her own perspective. This will make her more willing to comply,” she explains. However Sushant Kalra, parenting coach and founder of the Delhi-based Parwarish Institute of Parenting, warns that the term ‘gentle parenting’ can…

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Mutating pet for your child

The joy of witnessing a caterpillar fly away as a beautiful butterfly is educative and heart-warming for children. Their love for nature and nurture can be fulfilled by engaging in this pet project, writes Anitha Bennet Has your child been pestering you for a domestic pet such as a kitten or puppy? If you are unsure about making a commitment to caring for a pet and have declined, we have a great pet suggestion — a pet which won’t require constant care and attention. You can find this intriguing creature in your own garden or public park — a creepy crawly caterpillar! The joy of witnessing a caterpillar fly away as a beautiful butterfly is educative and heart-warming for children. Their love for nature and nurture can be fulfilled by engaging in this pet project. It could also arouse interest in science reading and research. Choosing the breed Help your child choose her butterfly by selecting the right caterpillar. The red and black butterfly, which is ubiquitous in parks and gardens, evolves from caterpillars found on lime, Ashoka or curry leaf trees. Caterpillars that mature into black and blue or pale green butterflies feed on common garden plants such as the golden oleander, pomegranate tree or calotropis plant. Parents can accompany children to search and identify these plants in parks. But before the caterpillar hunt begins, get your child to google for more information on host plants. Caterpillars are usually found under the leaf. Steer clear from the hairy variety, as all of them evolve into moths. A home for your caterpillar Once you have found your caterpillar, help your child to make a home for it. A simple cardboard box with a lid is suitable for her crawly pet. She can cut off one side of the box and stick cellophane paper on it so she can see what Mr. Caterpillar is up to! Make some small holes on the lid for fresh air. Feeding the hungry pet Feeding this pet will never pinch your pocket. Just gather leaves from the same tree or plant you took her and feed daily. The fast-growing friend Your child will be surprised to see that her pet has grown in size in a matter of days. Caterpillars aka larvae are voracious eaters during the initial larva (3-21) days. The pupal stage follows the larval, and is the time when a dowdy looking caterpillar secretes a silken thread from its mouth, spinning it around herself, and finally cocooning in the warm shelter. Your child cannot exactly “watch” the spinning but can monitor the quarter-spun, then the half-spun cocoon and as days go by, the whole closed pupa. The pupal stage lasts between 8-16 days. After a hectic feeding session, this is the time of sound sleep for your caterpillar. Anyone can take a peek now and then, but it’s best to leave the pupa to slumber undisturbed. Your beautiful butterfly Finally, the day dawns when there is a flutter in the box. Cautiously…

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Benefits of children playing sports & games

There’s growing awareness within the parents community that physical fitness apart, sports and games enable children to build character and life skills, writes Mini P The recently concluded Tokyo Olympics 2020 and India’s unprecedented seven medals haul including a first-ever gold in athletics that attracted over-the-top media and public adulation and big-ticket cash prizes, have aroused public interest in professional sports. There’s growing awareness within the community of parents countrywide that there are rewarding careers in sports and games and that encouraging children to play from young age is necessary to discover their talents for early professional coaching and training. Moreover, there’s growing awareness that physical fitness apart, playing sports enables children to build character and life skills. “It is crucial to provide opportunities for children to participate in physical education and sports — because these activities give them the chance to play and learn by doing. Whether a child is a high-potential athlete or an average, awkward child, she should have every chance to participate in games and physical activities to develop sportsmanship and learn skills such as teamwork, trust, discipline, dependability, and hard work. Moreover, engaging in sport teaches children several life skills. Parents need to understand that by letting children face on-field and in-arena challenges, they prepare them to confront greater and lesser hardships of life,” writes Dr. George Selleck, a San Francisco-based sports psychologist and founder of Parents for Good Sports and Leading2Play (‘Play: essential pathway for growth — https://www.educationworld.in/play-essential-pathway-for-growth/). Parents are advised to encourage children to play team, solo, competitive and other types of sports based on their aptitudes and propensities. Their relative benefits: Team sports. Team sports such as football, hockey and cricket enable shy and only children to build social skills and learn to cooperate with others. It also provides them opportunities to make friends, collaborate with teammates, build camaraderie and motivate and support each other. Solo sports. Individual games such as tennis, badminton, rollerskating, cycling and skateboarding are suitable for children who may not always have the opportunity to play with peers. Solo sports push children to set personal goals, manage stress, build self-confidence, and develop focus. Recreational sports. Usually only children who excel choose to play competitively as it requires dedicated coaching programmes and sacrifice of academic learning. The great majority of children play sports for enjoyment and recreation. It builds strong bodies and generates well-being within children. Bouldering, rock climbing, rowing and surfing are enjoyable recreational sports. “For most people there has to be a defined objective, a definite goal. Without that goal, they think an activity is not worth pursuing. In sports, the opposite is true. Playing for the sake of playing and having fun has prompted the development of some of the world’s best players. No world-beating athlete started running and playing with the objective of becoming a world-beater. They played for fun,” writes Dr. Selleck. Competitive sports. Choosing to go professional requires parents to enroll children in a good sports coaching centre. Many child athletes train for…

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Ensuring fuss-free mealtimes

Five positive ways parents can make mealtimes enjoyable for children, writes Anitha Bennet Mealtimes in most homes with children often resemble a battleground. Verbal wars, whining over food, sulking and crying tend to be the norm especially when parents insist on children eating healthy food. During the on-going pandemic with families confined to home and social interactions restricted, getting children to eat healthy food has become an even more arduous task for parents. Here are five recommendations for parents to make family mealtimes enjoyable for children. Children thrive on routine. This is a no-brainer but few follow it. Most families have very erratic mealtimes. Work-from-home and online schooling has further upset schedules. Plan children’s three meals and snacks at a set time every day and don’t deviate from this routine. You will notice that children will start feeling hungry around scheduled mealtimes every day. Reward them with a dessert for every meal they finish without fuss. Children eat better when hungry. Three balanced meals a day with two snacks in-between is the ideal diet recommended for children. But if you feel your child is too fussy and has a poor appetite, cut down on the snacks but not meals. If your child likes snacking in between meals, dole out healthy options such as cornflakes and fruits instead of biscuits and potato chips. Children love to eat what they cook. Search for kid-friendly recipes on the Internet and rustle up meals with children’s help over weekends. Most children love to eat what they cook. Also enlist their help whenever possible for meal preparation. Knowledge of the culinary process keeps children interested and will inspire them to consume jointly prepared meals. Children enjoy creative mealtimes. How about a Chinese night with lanterns and homemade Chinese food? Or a Hawaiian dinner with fruits and salads? Make mealtimes enjoyable and creative. Another great option is to add spice to the dining experience by incorporating games. For instance, you could play the I Spy game. You could say I spy a green leaf on the table (palak) or I spy something yellow with black dots (an overripe banana!) etc. Try this game on a Sunday and holidays. Children have food preferences. Like adults, children also have their food preferences. So before you agonise over every meal, remind yourself that it is ok for children to refuse some foods now and again. Also you could try disguising the food that she dislikes with what she likes. For example, if she loves tomato sauce and dislikes egg, a fluffy omelette with tomato sauce will incentivise her to eat it. Another golden rule to remember is to never raise controversial, gloomy topics at the dining table. Also avoid talking down and lecturing children during meals. Also Read:My child is a fussy eater. Help!

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Helping children cope with loss of loved ones

The subject of children suffering the loss of loved ones during the pandemic when mourning rituals are truncated, support systems are inadequate, and the weight of social stigma is often suffocating, is insufficiently discussed – Punita Malhotra In its second wave, which began in March, the rampaging Covid-19 pandemic is raining a second round of death and misery countrywide — 94,052 infections and 6,148 fatalities per day (June 12). The biggest untold story of the spiralling death toll is that hundreds of children have lost a parent, some even both, to the deadly virus. The subject of children suffering the loss of loved ones is insufficiently discussed especially when mourning rituals are truncated, support systems are inadequate, and the weight of social stigma is often suffocating. In this feature, we present advice from well-known child psychologists on ways and means to help and comfort children to cope with loss of a parent/sibling/grandparent and to build resilience. Breaking the news It’s difficult to break the news of a loved one’s death to children. Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, executive director of the Laurel’s Center for Research on Girls, Ohio, USA, in an excellent advisory titled, ‘How parents can support their child through Covid-19 losses’ (unicef.org) says that age of a child is the most important factor to bear in mind when breaking such sensitive news. According to her, for children under the age of five years, it’s important to first explain the very concept of death. “Very young children may be confused about what happened — both with loss and grief. They may not really understand what death is or understand that it’s permanent. We need to appreciate that really young children are not only dealing with dramatic changes in their lives, but that they often don’t entirely understand why these changes have occurred or what caused them,” writes Dr. Lisa Damour. Children aged six-11 years react differently to death of a parent. “They are very eager for explanations. They are ready to understand what caused the great disruptions they are dealing with or the death of the person they love. And sometimes we can give them the answers they are looking for, and sometimes we just don’t know — and that can be very hard for them.” In case of teenagers, Dr. Lisa Damour says that they are likely to experience intense emotions and doubts/fears. “For teenagers, the process is intense, because adolescents experience very powerful emotions. They need reassurance that the intensity of their grief or even the moments where they forget or don’t think about the death of the family member, are all normal and expectable, because teenagers can worry that they’re not having the right reaction.” Dr. Damour warns that children who lose a parent often experience bouts of disbelief and shock. It is common for them to wipe out traces of memory connected to the event, which is a normal human defence mechanism against intense pain and trauma. Youngest children tend to get regressive, clingy, and experience…

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How to motivate children during pandemic

5 Ways parents can motivate children during pandemic without nagging

WENDY GROLNICK Parents have always helped children with homework and made sure they fulfill responsibilities like chores, but the extended and often unstructured time families are spending together during the current crisis creates new challenges. After a disaster like a hurricane or fire, establishing structure is important to keep consistency and maintain a sense of control for both parents and children. This includes creating a schedule and communicating clear expectations and guidelines on things such as screen time. But how do parents get children to follow a schedule and fulfill responsibilities without nagging and in a way that prevents blowups and tantrums? Wendy Grolnick, a psychologist and parenting expert who has worked with parents in disaster situations, has studied how parents can help children become more self-motivated and decrease conflict in the family. In this piece she shares some strategies to make the house run more smoothly during the Coronavirus crisis. 1. INVOLVE CHILDREN IN SETTING SCHEDULES When children participate in creating guidelines and schedules, they are more likely to believe the guidelines are important, accept and follow them. To involve children, parents can set up a family meeting. At the meeting, parents can discuss the schedule and ask children for their input on decisions like what time everyone should be out of bed and dressed, when breaks from schoolwork would work best and where each family member should be during study time. Not every idea will be feasible — children may feel being dressed by noon is fine! But when parents listen to a child’s ideas, it helps them own their behavior and be more engaged in what they are doing. There may well be differences in opinion. Parents can negotiate with their children so that at least some of the children’s ideas are adopted. Resolving conflicts is an important skill for children to learn, and they learn it best from their parents. 2. ALLOW CHILDREN SOME CHOICE Schoolwork has to be done and chores need to be completed, but having some choice about how they are accomplished can help children feel less pressured and coerced, which undermines their motivation. Parents can present some chores around the house, and children can choose which they prefer. They can also pick when or how they complete them — do they want to do the dishes before or after watching their TV show? Parents can also give children choice about what fun activity they would like to do at the end of the day or for a study break. 3. LISTEN AND EXUDE EMPATHY Children will be more open to hearing about what they need to do if they feel that their own perspectives are understood. Parents can let children know that they understand, for example, that it is not fun to be in the house and that they miss being with their friends. Parents could begin requests with an empathetic statement. For example, “I know it seems like getting dressed is silly because we’re in the house. But getting dressed is…

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5 steps to ease children’s return to school post-pandemic

Parents and teachers have the critically important task of easing and smoothing the return of anxious children to school amidst fears of outbreak of a second wave of the Covid-19 pandemic – Punita Malhotra As schools cautiously reopen for middle and senior classes countrywide after almost a year of Covid-enforced shutdown, amid a battery of safety protocols such as staggered student entry and exit, compulsory thermal screening, hands sanitisation, and social distancing, children are experiencing mixed feelings about returning to the physical classroom after ten months of online classes or forced idleness. Sentiments of anxiety, fear, and nervousness are mixed with feelings of happiness and relief at finally being able to meet with friends and teachers. Parents and teachers have the critically important task of easing and smoothing the return of anxious children to school amidst fears of outbreak of a second wave of the Covid-19 pandemic. Here’s a five-point agenda for parents and educators to ease the return of children to campus classrooms: Manage your own stress first. “Though schools have reopened their senior classes, there is still so much ambiguity and uncertainty about how schools will balance remote learning and in-school classes. I am also anxious about my children attending school during the pandemic with the virus still very much out there,” says Aditi Mathur Pathak, Gurugram-based mother of a teen. Inevitably, parents are stressed but their stress is rubbing off on children. In a recent APA (American Psychological Association) Stress in America survey, 69 percent of parent respondents admitted that their stress impacted children. Further, 25-47 percent of adolescent children said that they were stressed by parental stress. Other research studies highlight that children cope more effectively with anxiety when parents role model good stress management behaviour. That’s why child psychologists urge parents to observe rules such as wishing children cheerful and confident goodbyes when they leave for school. It conveys that they (parents) believe that school is a safe place. Avoid leading questions such as “Are you feeling scared?” or “Will you be able to manage on your own” which are likely to exacerbate anxiety within children. Protect with facts, not false promises. Parents and educators need to reinforce the importance of following safety protocols related to social distancing, hand washing, thermal screening, among other precautionary measures. Initiate age-appropriate, open discussion with children about the implications of returning to school. For instance, young children should be prepped to expect a smaller number of students in class, teachers wearing masks, reduced group activities and staggered lunch and play timings. Children need to understand and feel reassured that their schools are following all necessary health and safety precautions and guidelines. It’s important to be honest with children and reiterate the importance of following and respecting the new standard operating procedures (SOPs). Moreover parents need to resist the temptation of making false promises such as “Don’t worry, no one is going to catch the virus in school.” Adjust to new routines. Delhi-based counsellor, Shaila Rawal says that parents need…

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When should children be given Covid 19 vaccine? questions parents are asking

– Wesley Kufel is clinical assistant professor (pharmacy practice) at Binghamton University, State University of New York Vaccines help the immune system recognize viruses, typically by injecting weakened virus or the virus’s proteins. Pfizer and Moderna developed a new type of vaccine that instead uses mRNA, the molecular instructions for building virus The first Coronavirus, aka Covid-19 vaccines have been authorised for use in the US, and states are starting to implement plans for who should get vaccinated first. But one important group is absent: children. So far, the vaccine is allowed only for adults and older teens. Testing is only now getting started with children — and just with adolescents. There are still a lot of unknowns. As an infectious disease pharmacist and professor who helps manage patients hospitalized with Covid-19, I frequently hear questions about vaccines. Here’s what we know and don’t know in response to some common questions about vaccinating kids against this virus. When can my child be vaccinated? Right now, it appears unlikely that a vaccine will be ready for children before the start of the next school year in August. Adult trials of the two leading vaccines have had promising results. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued emergency use authorization for both in mid-December, but only for use in adults and older teens. It authorised Moderna’s vaccine for ages 18 and over on December 18, a week after authorizing Pfizer’s vaccine for ages 16 and older. Vaccines were already being injected in the UK, and Canada had authorised the Pfizer vaccine for the same age range. But clinical trials involving children are only just getting started. Pfizer, working with Germany’s BioNTech, expanded its Covid-19 vaccine testing to children aged 12 and older only in October. Moderna announced that it had just started trials with children ages 12-17 on December 10. The vaccine’s efficacy and safety will have to be evaluated for each age group, and testing hasn’t started for infants, toddlers or kids in the US. Clinical trials are designed to ensure that the vaccine is safe and effective. Typically, it takes 10-15 years from the start of development until a vaccine is licensed, but Covid-19 vaccines are being developed faster in response to the pandemic. Will children need more shots than adults? It does not seem that the schedule of Covid-19 vaccine doses will be different for children, but that could change as testing goes on. Pfizer’s vaccine is being tested in adolescents with a two-dose series, three weeks apart, just as in adults. Moderna also plans to use its adult schedule — two doses four weeks apart — in a trial with 3,000 adolescents. The second dose serves as a “booster shot”, since the first dose doesn’t provide optimal immunity. This is consistent with several other vaccines, including hepatitis B, measles, mumps and rubella. Right now, only two doses are planned, but that could change. It’s unclear how long the immune response from these Covid-19 vaccines will last or if more…

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COVID-19 transmission by children

Children can also be Coronavirus super-spreaders. Some precautions to take against the pandemic – Zoë Hyde, epidemiologist, University of Western Australia The role children, and consequently schools, play in the Covid-19 pandemic has been hard to work out, but that puzzle is now finally starting to be solved. The latest research shows infections in children frequently go undetected, and that children are just as susceptible as adults to infection. Children likely transmit the virus at a similar rate to adults as well. While children are thankfully much less likely than adults to get seriously ill, the same isn’t true for the adults that care for them. Evidence suggests schools have been a driver of the second wave in Europe and elsewhere. This means the safety of schools needs an urgent rethink. It’s hard to detect COVID-19 in children Infections with SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes Covid-19, in children are generally much more mild than in adults and easy to overlook. A study from South Korea found the majority of children had symptoms mild enough to go unrecognised, and only 9 percent were diagnosed at the time of symptom onset. Researchers used an antibody test (which can detect if a person had the virus previously and recovered) to screen a representative sample of nearly 12,000 children from the general population in Germany. They found the majority of cases in children had been missed. In itself, that’s not surprising, because many cases in adults are missed, too. But what made this study important, was that it showed young and older children were likely to have been similarly infected. Official testing in Germany had suggested young children were much less likely to be infected than teenagers, but this wasn’t true. Younger children with infections just weren’t getting tested. The study also found nearly half of infected children were asymptomatic. This is about twice what’s typically seen in adults. But children do transmit the virus We’ve known for a while that around the same amount of viral genetic material can be found in the nose and throat of both children and adults. But that doesn’t necessarily mean children will transmit the same way adults do. Because children have smaller lung capacity and are less likely to exhibit symptoms, they might release less virus into the environment. However, a new study conducted by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found children and adults were similarly likely to transmit the virus to their household contacts. Another study, of more than 84,000 cases and their close contacts in India found children and young adults are especially likely to transmit the virus. Most of the children in these studies likely had symptoms. So, it’s unclear if asymptomatic children transmit the virus in the same way. But outbreaks in childcare centres have shown transmission by children who don’t show symptoms still occurs. During an outbreak at two childcare centres in Utah, asymptomatic children transmitted the virus to their family members, which resulted in the hospitalisation of…

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Study-from-home: The perfect workstation

– Sathish Nandagopal is founder and director, S Cube Ergonomics Pvt. Ltd, Bengaluru It’s important to create a study space at home that encourages good posture reduces exertion and fatigue and promotes overall student well-being Six months into study from home through online media, there are increasing complaints of a growing number of children countrywide experiencing backaches, neck pain and eye strain. Since the Covid-19 pandemic forced the closure of education institutions in early March and schooling moved online, children are spending long hours before digital gadgets such as laptops, desktops and/or mobiles for study and research. Most often, the cause of back and neck pain is incorrect posture. For instance children slouching on the bed and/or sofa with laptops/mobiles on laps for long hours can lead to severe pain in the back, shoulders, and neck muscles, leading to poor concentration, stress and declining academic performance. Therefore it’s important to create a study space/ workstation at home that encourages good posture, reduces exertion and fatigue and promotes overall student well-being. The first priority should be to purchase an ergonomically designed chair and desk to meet study from home requirements. A good choice is a light-weight comfortable all-mesh ergonomic chair. These chairs are user-friendly, increase blood flow and consequently alertness levels. A perfect desk choice to suit compact homes is a fixed desk with pedestal and two drawers for storing books/stationery. Moreover, I strongly recommend investing in computer monitor arms — they support and elevate a computer screen, laptop or tablet — to promote a clutter-free study space and support a healthy, ergonomic working posture. Many students tend to lean in toward their desktop computer monitor; whereas monitor arms enable them to pull the computer monitor closer so they can sit in a healthy posture, with their back against the chair, and still work their screens. Alternately, if a student is a laptop user, then a laptop holder may work better than a monitor arm. It raises the laptop screen height to promote good ergonomic posture while significantly improving user comfort and preventing ‘laptop hunch’. A keyboard tray is another vital accessory to create an adapting, ergonomic home study space. This underrated accessory enables the keyboard and mouse to be brought closer, encouraging students to sit in a healthy, neutral posture without leaning forward. And finally, invest in a foot rocker that relieves feet soreness triggered from static sitting through gentle rocking of the feet. With the study from home regimen set to continue for the next few months, it’s imperative for parents to provide ergonomic workstations for children to enable them to optimise their learning outcomes.

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Why parents shouldn’t stress about their kid’s screen time during lockdown

(James M. Lang is professor of English and director of the Center for Teaching Excellence, Assumption College, Massachusetts, USA) Millions of working parents have spent months trapped in their homes with their children. Many are trying to do their jobs remotely in the constant presence of their kids, and they are desperate for some peace and quiet Many mothers and fathers have sought any available remedy that would enable them to do their jobs and fight cabin fever — including some who have given their children a free pass on video games, social media and television. One survey of more than 3,000 parents found that electronic screen time of their children had increased by 500 percent during the pandemic. Screen time rules In case you missed it, when the World Health Organization released daily screen time guidelines for children in April 2019, it suggested tight limits. Infants should get none at all, and kids between the ages of 1-5 should spend not more than an hour per day staring at devices. WHO does not prescribe specific limits for older children, but some research has suggested that excessive screen gazing by teenagers could be linked to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. Kids were already spending far more time than recommended with screens before the pandemic, and had been, for years. As far back as the late 1990s, children between the ages of 3-5 were averaging two and a half hours per day watching screens. And, naturally, what screen time rules families had been enforcing have been on hold since at least mid-March 2020, when most US communities entered the era of social distancing. Prone to distraction Should parents worry if their children are spending more time than ever online to learn, play and while away the hours until they can freely study and socialize again? The short answer is no — as long as they don’t allow pandemic screen time habits to morph into permanent screen time habits. Shortly before the Coronavirus led to schools across the country suspending in-person instruction for safety reasons, I wrapped up my upcoming book on the power of digital devices to distract students from their learning In Distracted: Why Students Can’t Focus and What You Can Do About It, I argue that trying to eliminate distractions from classroom is the wrong approach. The human brain is naturally prone to distraction, as scientists and philosophers have been attesting for centuries. The problem with distraction in school is not the distractions themselves. Children and adults alike can use social media or view screens in perfectly healthy ways. The problem occurs when excessive attention to screens crowds out other learning behaviors. A child watching YouTube on her phone in the classroom or during study time is not developing her writing skills or mastering new vocabulary. Teachers should consider how to cultivate better attention to those behaviors, rather than trying to eliminate all distractions. Likewise, parents should not view screens as the enemy of their children,…

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Cyber threats at home

Paul Haskell-Dowland and Ismini Vasileiou Before COVID-19, children would spend a lot of the day at school. There they would be taught about Internet safety and be protected when going online by systems that filter or restrict access to online content. Schools provide protective environments to restrict access to content such as pornography and gambling. They also protect children from various threats such as viruses and unmoderated social media. This is usually done using filters and blacklists (lists of websites or other resources that aren’t allowed) applied to school devices or through the school Internet connection. But with many children learning from home, parents may not be aware of the need for the same safeguards. Many parents are also working from home, which may limit the time to explore and set up a secure online environment for their children. So, what threats are children exposed to and what can parents do to keep them safe? What threats might children face? With increased use of web-based tools, downloading new applications and dependence on email, children could be exposed to malware threats in the absence of school based controls. This can include viruses and ransomware — for example, Covidlock (an application offering coronavirus related information) that targets the Android operating system and changes the PIN code for the lock-screen. If infected, the user can lose complete access to her device. Children working at home are not usually protected by filters provided by their schools. seemingly innocent teaching activities like the use of YouTube can expose children to unexpected risks given the breadth of inappropriate adult content available. Most videos end with links to a number of related resources, the selection of which is not controlled by the school. even using YouTube kids, a subset of curated YouTube content filtered for appropriateness, has some risks. There have been reports of content featuring violence, suicidal themes and sexual references. Many schools are using video conferencing tools to maintain social interaction with students. There have been reports of cases of class-hijacking, including Zoom-bombing where uninvited guests enter the video conference session. The FBI Boston field office has documented inappropriate comments and imagery introduced into an online class. A similar case in Connecticut resulted in a teenager being arrested after Zoom-bombing incidents. Because video conferencing is becoming normalised, malicious actors (including paedophiles) may seek to exploit this level of familiarity. They can persuade children to engage in actions that can escalate to inappropriate sexual behaviour. The eSafety Office has reported a significant increase in a range of incidents of online harm since early March. In a particularly sickening example, eSafety Office investigators said: in one forum, paedophiles noted that isolation measures have increased opportunities to contact children remotely and engage in their “passion” for sexual abuse via platforms such as YouTube, Instagram and random webchat services. Some families may be using older or borrowed devices if there aren’t enough for their children to use. These devices may not offer the same level of protection against common…

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Developing children’s spatial intelligence

Spatial intelligence is capability to visualise three-dimensional images, shapes and positions of an object in relation to another object and is vital for developing mathematical thinking and conceptual understanding – Dipta Joshi Spatial intelligence or visual-spatial processing may sound unfamiliar and highfalutin. But the truth is that you are using this intelligence in everyday activities. Think of the times you visualised how to pack differing items into a suitcase. Or how you know which Russian Matryoshka wooden doll fits into another. Spatial intelligence is capability to visualise three-dimensional images, shapes and positions of an object in relation to another object. The development of children’s visual-spatial intelligence gained traction in the 1980s after Dr. Howard Gardner, celebrated professor of education at Harvard University, in his book Frames of Mind — The Theory of Multiple Intelligences (1983), propounded that all humans have one or more of eight different intelligences — visual-spatial, logical-mathematical, linguistic-verbal, bodily-kinaesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal and naturalistic. According to Gardner, individuals with high visual-spatial intelligence are adept at solving puzzles, reading, drawing, painting, reading maps and are better at science and maths as they have the capability to generate sharp mental images. This facilitates calculation, measurement and pattern recognition which is important for excellence in geometry, chemistry and physics. “The right side of the brain controls spatial tasks and ability to comprehend three-dimensional shapes and images. Research has shown that spatial intelligence is critical to the development of mathematical thinking, conceptual understanding, and enables success in careers such as medical surgery, architecture, engineering, professional sports and art. Educators are becoming increasingly aware of the vital connection between spatial intelligence and high academic performance,” says Suzanne Perkowsky, co-founder and head of education, New Nordic School, a Finland-based education solutions company. Though children with higher visual-spatial intelligence are likely to excel in architecture, art or engineering, it’s pertinent to note this intelligence is required even if to a lesser degree, in all careers and to perform everyday tasks. Therefore, it’s important to encourage children to develop this intelligence from young age. A University of Chicago research study titled ‘Relation Between Spatial Skill and Early Numbers Knowledge’, published in Development Psychology (2012) found that exposing children between the ages of five and six to spatial learning activities accelerated their understanding of maths concepts and abstract reasoning. “Spatial reasoning skills can be developed in several ways and are especially important for success and innovation in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and maths) careers. Teachers and parents should introduce children to activities such as solving puzzles, using maps, visual aids, and drawing from early age to improve their spatial intelligence. Simple tasks such as asking three-five-year-old preschoolers to copy shapes from a blackboard on paper, helps them develop their spatial and fine motor skills. The development of this intelligence will help them in any career they choose,” says Dr. Akhil Shahani, the Mumbai-based chairman of Global Discovery Schools, a chain of 14 institutions across India. While introducing spatial tasks in early childhood education is important, child development experts believe…

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Unconventional child? Bring out her best

Is your child a jack of all trades and master of none? Do you worry that she’ll never hold down a job, given her short attention span? If you’re concerned that your child won’t fit in with society’s and your expectations, your fears may be overblown. Instead, celebrate your child’s uniqueness and find ways and means to transform the seeming disadvantage into her strength. Here are some ideas to bring out the best in a non-conformist child. A gap year If your child is a teen with multiple interests, and isn’t ready to choose a career path, try a gap year after class XII or undergrad degree. Young people use the gap year to take on different internships in corporate organisations, sign up for distance and online learning courses, explore a hobby, travel, and meet people. It could be a period of rich learning which will help her choose areas of study and work. Taking a gap year is more common abroad but a rising number of Indian children are opting for it. It isn’t good for everyone, so think about it only if your child’s personality suggests that it will help. An out-of-office job It’s not uncommon to have a child who finds it impossible to sit still in one place. As hyperactive children grow older, and the syndrome persists, it isn’t advisable to recommend a 9-5 job to a peppy, bubbly young person. Counsel her that her true calling may lie outside an office environment. There are plenty of jobs which don’t require people to sit all day in offices. Sportspersons, photographers, civil engineers, army and naval officers, pilots, community workers, salesmen, television journalists, adventure sports trainers and actors are professionals who are always on the move and spend little time in conventional office spaces. Hyperactive kids can do amazing things when their energies are canalised into careers in sync with their personalities. The key is to discover what such children are passionate about, and help them pursue aptitudinally suitable career paths and goals.

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Child rights: What every parent should know

Most parents are unaware that children are also citizens whose rights are guaranteed by the Constitution of India, national and international legislation. It’s the duty of every parent to respect the rights of children and protect them from exploitation, abuse and discrimination, starting from home. In the majority of Indian households where disciplinarian parenting is the norm, child rights are an alien i.e Western concept. Parent-child relationships in India are still centred around command-and-control with inner family democracy absent. Most parents are unaware that children are also citizens whose rights are guaranteed by the Constitution of India, national and international legislation. It’s the duty of every parent to respect the rights of children and protect them from exploitation, abuse and discrimination, starting from home. The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, 1989 (UNRC) — a defining international document which sets out the civil, political, economic, social, health and cultural rights of children — defines a child as “every human being below the age of 18 years unless, under the law applicable to the child, majority is attained”. UNRC came into force on September 2, 1990, after it was ratified by 196 countries including India. It states that every child has the right to: Life, survival and development Protection from violence, abuse and neglect An education that enables children to fulfill their potential Be raised by, or have a relationship with, their parents Express their opinions and be heard. Parenting red flags Here are four most common ways in which parents abuse and deny their children’s rights to dignity, freedom of expression, leisure and play. Discriminating, comparing and humiliating children. Parents often discriminate, indulge in favouritism, and compare children with siblings and/or others. This is a violation of children’s right to dignity and protection from emotional abuse. Pushing children into the academic rat race. Academic success obsessed parents push children into unhealthy competition, enrolling them in strenuous tuitions and coaching classes. This robs children of their leisure/play time which is essential for their overall development, prompting anxiety and depression. Spanking/ corporal punishment. Hitting, beating and intimidating children is physical abuse and punishable under the law. Children who suffer parental abuse can be removed from the custody of the parent. Denying children the right to express their opinions. In most Indian households, the dictum ‘children should be seen and not heard’ is followed religiously. Denying children the right to freedom of expression is denial of their right to be heard and voice their opinions. Guilty? Begin by involving children in all matters which directly relate to them. However young a child is, she has a right to be heard, even if it is deciding the colour of a dress! Encouraging children to voice their opinions and respecting their viewpoints enables them to develop into articulate communicators and decision-makers. Schools & child rights All schools — private and government — are governed by provisions of the Right of Children to Free & Compulsory Education (aka RTE) Act, 2009. Registration certificates…

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Preparing your child for a new sibling

While coping with the demands of two or more children can be overwhelming for parents especially mothers, for first-borns and older children the arrival of a new sibling is stressful and difficult as they now have to share parental attention and affection – Shreya Iyer The arrival of a second child in a family can be exciting, challenging and a roller-coaster of emotions for both, the big brother/sister and parents. While coping with the demands of two or more children can be overwhelming for parents especially mothers, for first-borns and older children the arrival of a new sibling is stressful and difficult as they now have to share parental attention and affection. Even best-behaved children tend to react regressively with the entrance of a new sibling. Therefore it’s imperative for parents to invest time and effort in preparing children for the expanded family. Ahmedabad-based freelance writer Shivli Tyagi, who is all set to welcome her second child, believes that the older child needs equal and perhaps more preparation than parents themselves for this change in family dynamics. “Start preparing your first-born from the moment your baby bump begins to show. Many parents break the news to children late in pregnancy and expect them to understand and process the news quickly. I have already begun involving my six-year-old in planning, shopping for the baby’s clothes, toys etc and hope to give both my equal time and attention after delivery,” says Tyagi. Yet while explaining morning sickness, baby bump and different stages of pregnancy to inquisitive and curious children, it’s important that parents use age-appropriate language. Neeraj Dabral, commercial manager with a Dubai-based healthcare company, who has two children Aarush (8) and Taanya (3), says that he and wife Shilpa accessed specially curated pregnancy websites to help them “use the right language and phrases” to explain pregnancy and childbirth to children. “Thankfully, there are several superbly written and researched websites which explain the pregnancy cycle to young children in developmentally and age-appropriate language. We used them to explain Shilpa’s pregnancy and prepare Aarush for the arrival of his little sister. Once my daughter was born, we made sure to involve Aarush in several baby care activities and made it a point to appreciate his efforts,” says Dabral. However, inevitably even the best-prepared children experience envy and resentment when parents divide their love and attention. The most common complaint is that older children tend to act younger, demanding the same attention their new sibling is getting. For example, a toilet-trained elder child might start having accidents or insist on wearing diapers or want to feed from the bottle. In some extreme cases, they may take their frustrations out on the infant by harming her. Parenting experts and counsellors advise parents to actively involve elder children in developmentally appropriate chores for the new-born and actively praise their positive behaviour. “After the arrival of a new sibling, first-borns often throw tantrums because they want parental attention. Parents can deal with this in many ways. For instance,…

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Helping children overcome maths anxiety

The onus is on parents and teachers to help children overcome maths phobia and anxiety by creating stress-free learning environments and stimulating love of math – Jayalakshmi Vaidyanathan Ravi Saxena, a class V student of a private school in Delhi, is running late for school. He hasn’t finished his math homework, and is anxious and frustrated as he races to complete the assignment before the school bus arrives in 20 minutes. His mother is annoyed because he avoided and procrastinated completing his math work last night. While she tries to help him, she observes that Ravi is struggling to solve an easy sum. Emotions are running high as time is ticking. For most school-going children, maths evokes negative emotions such as hatred, fear, anxiety and helplessness. And most parents, naively and misguidedly, believe that the best way to improve children’s maths capability is to encourage them to practice, practice, practice. But though ritual practice may increase their speed and knowledge, it does little to address and alleviate children’s maths phobia. Consequently, despite hours of practice and rote learning, negative emotions associated with the subject are likely to adversely affect children’s ability to perform on exam-day. Unsurprisingly, children with positive emotions such as curiosity, joy, play, and wonder towards math, perform better in examinations. A 2017 study conducted by the US-based Society for Research in Child Development found that when educators and parents boost children’s positive emotions and minimise negative feelings related to subjects, students acquire greater control over their academic performance. According to the researchers, students’ emotional well-being promotes and improves learning outcomes. “Maths requires students to think logically and critically, and not merely regurgitate mugged answers. Therefore children need to be in a positive frame of mind to think critically and solve math problems. School teachers and parents must create stress-free learning environments, focus on life skills development and promote emotional well-being for children to excel in maths,” says Mamta Chandra, principal of the CBSE-affiliated Samsidh Mount Litera Zee School, Bangalore. Uday Nair, maths teacher at the Jhamtse Gatsal Children’s Community, Tawang, Arunachal Pradesh, concurs. “There is a plethora of research studies which highlight that a child’s learning capability is influenced by her emotional state. With a subject like maths, which requires logical and critical thinking, a child must be emotionally stable to comprehend questions and provide well thought-out logical answers,” says Nair.Parents need to be aware that maths phobia can lead to several negative outcomes for children, ranging from poor performance in maths tests and exams to rejection of math-related activities. The onus is on parents and teachers to help children overcome maths anxiety by creating stress-free learning environments and stimulating love of maths. Unfortunately most parents and teachers tend to pass on their own maths anxiety to children. Educationists advise parents/teachers to avoid comments such as “I’ve always been hopeless with numbers or I don’t like maths, it’s very difficult.” “Parents and teachers often pass on their own maths phobia to children and tend to popularise the myth that…

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What type of parent are you?

Take this quiz to determine whether you are an authoritarian, progressive or over-indulgent parent. Authoritarian parents insist on children following hard and fast rules based on the ‘because I say so,’ philosophy. Progressive parents balance the need for rules and regulation while encouraging freedom combined with responsibility. Over-indulgent parents give their children too much latitude and tend to fudge discipline issues. Take this quiz to determine which type of parent you are. 1. You have just realised that your child has been watching television for more than three hours daily and want to reduce TV time to an hour per day. a. You declare that the new rule is ‘one hour per day’ with immediate effect. b. You believe it’s too difficult to turn back the clock and decide not to introduce new rules. c. You discuss the health and academic downsides of watching too much television and explain the need to cut down watching hours. 2. Your child insists on eating junk food at a mall after having had more than sufficient fried snacks during the past two days. a. You refuse outright, and drag a crying or sulking child outside. b. You give in and let her have it. c. You offer to purchase healthier alternative snacks or fruits instead. 3. Your child went shopping without your permission though you had forbidden it. a. You scold her, remind her of the dangers of her act and withdraw privileges for a day. b. You ignore the issue. She is back home safely after all. c. You give her a yelling, cut off all outings, visits and hobby classes for the next three weeks. 4. Your child’s teacher complains that she responds rudely to teachers. a. You tell her to give no cause for complaint and leave it at that. b. You sit down for a heart-to-heart talk with your child about what happened and insist on proper behaviour, spelling out the consequences if misbehaviour is repeated. c. You give your child a harsh punishment and insist that the rudeness won’t be tolerated. Answer key: Give yourselves ten marks for each of these answers: 1. c, 2. c, 3. a, 4. b If you’ve got 30-40, you can consider yourself a progressive parent. If not, examine your parenting style and consider making appropriate changes. Progressive parents are assertive in expressing their opinions and rules, yet are democratic in discussing and accepting ideas from children. They are consistent about discipline and try to correct behaviour, rather than impose harsh punishment.

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Help your child succeed with positive psychology

Positive psychology focuses on the positive events and influences in life, an individual’s strengths rather than weaknesses, and building the good in life instead of repairing the bad Positive psychology is the new mantra for leading happy and fulfilling lives. Coined and propounded by Dr. Martin Seligman, professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, positive psychology focuses on positive events and influences in life, a person’s strengths rather than weaknesses, and building the good in life instead of repairing the bad. It’s a scientific discipline and should not be confused with positive thinking, positive affirmation or similar self-help mantras. According to Dr. Martin Seligman, following his PERMA model helps individuals achieve psychological well-being and happiness. PERMA Model To Happiness P — Positive Emotions. Develop a mindset which focuses on positive emotions such as joy, satisfaction, pride, etc. This can be done through mindfulness training and adopting an attitude of gratitude. Writing a daily journal of at least three things that made you happy that day is a great way to develop this mindset. E — Engagement. Activities that fully engage and fill us with positive emotions and elevate one’s sense of well-being, and help us find calm, focus, and joy. Choose a career, hobby, sports, or activity that attracts full engagement. R — (Positive) Relationships. Homo sapiens are social creatures. Interact with people around you with an attitude of adding value to their lives. Soon you will discover that they are also adding value to your life. M — Meaning. Wealth and fortune are not the only determinants of success and happiness. Living a meaningful life requires dedicating yourself to a vocation or cause greater than earning money. Focus and introspect on how the job you do every day helps others. This will give you a sense of meaning and purpose to life. A — Accomplishment. Dr. Seligman believes it’s difficult to live a full life and attain true happiness unless you are working towards improving yourself and achieve goals. Celebrating the small victories in life such as winning a contract, having your child win a race or helping an underprivileged child, will enable you to experience a feeling of accomplishment. Positive psychology for children You can incorporate the PERMA model into your parenting style to raise confident and happy children with strong emotional intelligence. As a starting point, focus on building your child’s innate strengths instead of focusing on improving her weaknesses. Set high expectations and reward her with praise if she achieves her goals. But if she fails, don’t criticise her. Instead give her constructive feedback on ways and means to improve. All praise or feedback should be authentic and specific to the task at hand. For instance, instead of saying “you are so intelligent,” its advisable to say “this math exercise was difficult, but I’m glad you worked hard to solve it”. If your child confesses to getting into a fight in school or stealing from a friend, listen in a non-judgmental way and encourage her…

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Obsessive-compulsive disorder in children

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder in which an individual has uncontrollable, recurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviors (compulsions) that she needs to repeat continuously Does your child indulge in a series of repetitive actions? Is she gripped by strong obsessions and unwarranted anxiety? Is she slow in getting ready for school and completing homework? Does she constantly erase and rewrite sentences to make them perfect? Has repeating sentences become an everyday ritual? Have you observed her switching electronic devices on and off several times? If any one or more of these behaviour symptoms are manifesting daily, your child is suffering obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The popular belief is that OCD is an adult affliction. But several studies indicate that 80 percent of adults diagnosed with OCD display symptoms before 18 years of age. OCD is a mental disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, recurring thoughts (obsessions) and behaviours (compulsions) that she needs to repeat continuously. It is defined by high anxiety and stress that have the potential to make everyday experiences intolerable especially for children. OCD symptoms are not limited to mere fascination with cleanliness — as commonly believed. This pathology can play havoc with a child’s day-to-day activities schedule such as playing with friends, going to school, or enjoying hobbies. Causes There is no known cause of obsessive-compulsive disorder . Usually children develop this disorder if there is a family history of disquiet and anxiety or if the child has experienced a traumatic event. Symptoms Parents tend to misinterpret OCD symptoms as ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder), depression, or general nervousness. Therefore it’s important that a correct diagnosis is made so that appropriate and timely medical intervention alleviates high anxiety. OCD symptoms usually manifest in children between 7-12 years of age. Typical symptoms displayed by a child or adolescent suffering OCD are: * Repetitive obsessions characterised by unwanted, intrusive thoughts, ideas, visual images and fears that incite fretfulness. * Compulsive behaviour and repetitive actions performed by the child to alleviate anxiety triggered by obsessive thinking. Examples of obsessions * Display of extreme interest in cleanliness and strong urge to protect herself from germs, dirt or illness. For instance a child may continually wash her hands and feet after returning home from play or school * Expresses recurrent doubts about being able to complete tasks such as homework * Excessive fixation with symmetry, order and exactness * Unwarranted interest in remembering trivia * Unwarranted attention to detail * Aggressive thoughts towards self or others Examples of compulsive behaviour * Washing hands excessively and frequently * Constantly checking notes or written work, excessive counting and recounting of numbers * Regular repetition of words spoken by self or others or repeating sounds, words, numbers or musical notes * Rigidly following self-imposed rules of order such as arranging personal items in a particular way and experiencing anxiety if the arrangement is disturbed * Repeating questions and insisting on answers Treatment This disorder can be effectively treated in children, particularly if diagnosed early. Typically, mental…

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Eastern vs. Western parenting

Over the past decade, there’s heightened interest and discussion about the critical importance and impact of different parenting styles — in particular eastern vs. western parenting — on a child’s academic performance, self-confidence, emotional development, behaviour and ability to cope with life’s challenges – Aruna Raghuram A progressive educated new-age parent would not imagine forbidding her child to have a play date, watch television or choose the extracurricular activity she wants to pursue! But these are among the many things Amy Chua, an ethnic Chinese professor at Yale Law School and author of the bestselling Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (2011), forbade her two daughters from doing. Her controversial book is an ode to the authoritarian Asian parenting style vis-à-vis American soft parenting. Over the past decade in particular, there’s heightened interest and discussion about the critical importance and impact of different parenting styles — in particular eastern vs. western parenting — on a child’s academic performance, self-confidence, emotional development, behaviour and ability to cope with life’s challenges. In the 1960s, US-based clinical and developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind (1927-2018) famously categorised three parenting styles — authoritarian, disciplinarian; permissive and indulgent; and authoritative — commonly used today by family coaches to help parents understand and improve their parenting skills. According to Baumrind, authoritarian parents are disciplinarians and punishment is common, and communication is mostly one way: from parent to child. Conversely permissive parents are more like friends than parents, and their parenting style is liberal. Baumrind believed that the authoritative style — wherein parents draw boundaries and provide guidance, but also give children the freedom to make decisions and learn from their mistakes — is the most beneficial for all-round development of children. While Eastern parenting (Chinese, Indian) is generally regarded as ‘authoritarian’, Western (US, Europe) parents are believed to be more liberal, ranged between permissive and authoritative. Within India’s aggressive, upwardly mobile middle class, Eastern parenting is the rule rather than exception with tiger parents demanding blood, sweat and tears from their children, especially in the pursuit of academic excellence. The flourishing private coaching schools industry — typified by the cram schools of Kota (Rajasthan) — which rake in a reported Rs.75,000 crore per year, are testimony to the aggressiveness of India’s tiger parents. On the other hand such micro-managing of children’s lives is rare in America where children are not burdened by high parental expectations, and their sensitivities are a national preoccupation. “Most Indian parents have very high academic expectations of their children and aggressively push them to attain them. This authoritarian parenting style doesn’t always work with children. Every child has unique talents and aptitudes, and a one size fits all approach isn’t advisable. The role of parents is to provide conducive and positive home environments in which children can develop their academic as well socio-emotional skills. Parenting styles need to be adapted and modified to suit the child’s personality and talents,” says Dr. Sumithra Prasad, psychologist and general secretary of Chennai-based Dorai Foundation, which works with special…

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